The Jogger's Anti-Cramping Suit

A while ago I went jogging with Andi, which was my first time jogging in about over half a year. I just got too lazy and now I wanna try for swim team so I better get in shape.

Anyways, this suit would probably sound pretty scary to a lot of people. It's similar to Iron Man's suit, with the main difference being that instead of carrying heat it packs about several hundred mini syringes placed throughout it's frame. Each one is filled with concentrated a concentrated dosage of some of the dopiest weed you will ever find, designed to make your muscles go completely numb in the general area. Whenever you start feeling a cramp, the suit will pick up on the pain signals in your spine (oh by the way you need to shove a giant needle with a sensor attached into your spine) and proceed to inject a dose into the general area.

Because neuroscience has gotten that advanced (now shutup, it totally works). The only problem I see is that the sensors may pick up on the pain of a syringe being forcefully jabbed into your side, and trigger the syringes around that syringe to numb the pain. And then the ones around those ones go off. So pretty soon you will look like a very well aged piece of Swiss. Or maybe someone who just took a jog through a meadow of nails. Or maybe a piece of cheese that jogged through a meadow of nails. Your call.

Apparently you guys want photos with posts and I'm no artist, so you can go look at this photo and pretend that I made it. 
http://www.allpstrophies.com/trophies/the-hypochondriac-ps3-trophy-20369.jpg

An Innovation in Toronto's Transportation Infrastructure

If I could serve as the mayor I would overhaul Toronto's public transit completely. Instead of buses, light rail, and subways, I would set up several hundred really big slingshots around the city. It would cost the city significantly less money to maintain and operate as users could pull back the sling by themselves and a mechanism could be used to give them the freedom to fire. Maybe I'll call this invention a button. Anyways rather than having a several billion dollar Eglinton line, we could have a much cheaper network of stations where people launch themselves into the troposphere. After the initial installation no attendants would be needed and engineers would just need to come and repair broken parts when problems show (sucks to be the dude who found out it was broken the hard way).

Anyways, the slingshots would have the capacity to fire users up to 5000 meters into the air. People would need to bring oxygen canisters and wingsuits with them when using my system. They won't die at that height since some Indian dude went like 7000 meters and came out fine, and it is too low for large commercial planes to be a problem. I did some research and I found out that the glide ratio on a good wingsuit is about 2.5, which means that at maximum one could travel 12.5 km (assuming the land is flat) with one single launch. Of course for longer trips you could glide to another station and relaunch. I will probably space each slingshot out 5 km from eachother which means at most everyone should be about 3 and a half kilometres from their nearest station at most, which shouldn't be too bad.

Traffic congestion would be diminished in great amounts on the roads since people would just fly to work or school like a bunch of badasses. Our image to the rest of Canada will definitely improve when they see how safe our system is since the number of car related accidents will plummet.

If two people were to collide in mid-air during a glide, then my next innovation will come in handy. Everyone will be outfitted with an Iron Man suit so that they can glide on without trouble. Now don't say that we should just use the Iron Man suits instead, because jet fuel costs a fortune, and that would be silly. A cheaper alternative would be to lather everyone up in butter so that they slide off of each other.

My final point would be that those who are unhappy with their lives could use these as suicide booths a la Futurama, which would save us some high school shootings, and guarantee us a spot in newspapers around the world for offering such a convenience.  

Kangaroo Drug Runners

The global fight against the propagation of hard narcotics will be revolutionized after the implementation of this tactic in drug cartels everywhere. Henry has had the amazing and bright idea of using kangaroos to smuggle cocaine across the US and Mexican border. The genius behind this is that when the border guards search vehicles passing through, they'll never think of checking the kangaroo in the suspicious white van, but the people inside instead. Kangaroos can cover great distances on their own and can run the border while keeping a low profile easily, as they are not dark brown and do not eat tacos.

Though I originally thought that the hiding spot for the narcotics would be in the kangaroo's pouch (as any other pedestrian person), Henry quickly notified me that the kangaroo would have the crack shoved up its ass. I didn't bother asking.

Monkey Houses

So the other day my mum and I were chilling on the sofa when she noticed the Chinese Algae Eater in our fish tank cleaning the front glass wall of the tank. We started talking, and it led to birds taking dumps, and don't ask me how this happened but it somehow got to pet monkeys. It started off with the idea of buying a Capuchin monkey and renting it out as an animal actor for movies. Eventually the question came up of how you would have to shelter the monkey in your own home. I got these two ideas:

The Monkey Treehouse:

• Exactly as it sounds, this is a tree house big enough to let your monkey stand and stretch. The entrance would be similar to that of a birdhouse and could feature a pole for the monkey to stand on, maybe that could be like a porch. You could hang a hammock or a flag under the pole, I couldn't really care.
• This one requires you to be able to train your monkey to retrieve bedsheets from the treehouse every other night. If you don't it will get pretty nasty up there pretty fast. How you will do this I have not the slightest clue, as you would need to somehow get up into the tree with your monkey to properly teach it.
• Every night whenever the monkey gets tired it would just go to your backyard (you'll attract a lot of attention if it's in the front) and climb the tree to get into its little house. Sorta like a doghouse.
• Please don't raise the question of how you get it up there in the first place. 
• I came up with this one originally to deal with the danger of your monkey getting assaulted by dogs or the neighbourhood stray cat. If you want you can give your monkey water balloons to keep in that earlier mentioned hammock. If another animal or maybe a curious toddler were to approach the tree to try to get to the monkey, it could fire away with his urine filled bombs of fury. Oh, did I also mention that the balloons were filled with monkey piss? Replace with rocks for increased efficiency. Replace with rocks filled with monkey piss just for good measure.
• I also thought of the problem of weather. Not rain or snow, as it will be sealed and have a hood over the entrance. The problem is when lightning starts striking in the area, because you could have roasted monkey come the next thunderstorm in your city. Think you could put that in a burrito? Actually no, lets stay off that topic...

Wow, this is getting pretty lengthy. Posts seem to come naturally when I go into my retarded trains of thought. Haha, I can actually imagine that. Retarded trains of thought. A giant flamboyant pink cosmic train that travels through space, adorned with candy and unicorns. That makes sandwiches. Go look up Gears of Awesome on Newgrounds and wait for the train to show up and you'll know what i'm talking about.

The Tree Fortress

• I think of elves in the forest when I talk about this one. The difference between this and the treehouse is that in this example the monkey actually lives in the trunk and branches of the tree. Note that this has to be a REALLY big tree. You might want a lightning rod to prevent it from burning down. 
• The entrance will be at the base of the tree, and be similar to the door of a home from the Shire from LOTR. A small little door at the base, leading to a massive hollowed out (but somehow still living) tree. 
• Platforms and ladders will allow the monkey to move throughout the tree, and branches could form hubs and nexuses to certain wings of the fortress. Throw in some catwalks and platforms and it could be good enough to be a human's dream house (if we were all about eight times shorter).
• This is a very simple home in concept but the problem is that at this point it wouldn't really be practical to put in your backyard (wait, since when did we care about practical on this blog?). The home would be more suited to house several families of monkeys. Or you could get even more practical and just let the monkeys free to roam in their native forests.

Monkey actors make a lot of money.