The Boredom Machine

It's been about a month into my summer vacation and I am insanely bored. I'm not going out on any big trips, I don't go to summer camps, and friends are pretty spaced out from me. My thinking is that if I had one of these machines I could get through it a lot quicker.

This is a very simple machine in concept and I don't think it would take me that long to build if I was a mechanic or a carpenter or something. It's basically a giant comedic sized boxing glove attached to a piston that you use to punch yourself in the face with. Adjustments to the force delivered could result in different time periods of the darkened bliss of seeing and doing absolutely nothing.

The luxury model would include a well placed pillow on the ground behind you so that you don't crack your skull open on the way down. The pillow could also call an ambulance for you to help with the concussion and broken nose. Also my design plan for it involves it dispensing sandwiches.

Horizon Racing

I've come up with a new sport. It's simple, great exercise, and fun at all ages! It's called Horizon racing, and what you do is that two (or more if you wish) competitors start at the same place. On the count of three, the competitors will race towards the horizon. This could be by foot, boat, car, plane, you could swim at the beach,  there is no end to how many creative approaches you can take to this. The first one to reach the horizon wins! Very fun.

The Kenny Voicebox Changer

This is going to be a bonus post, seeing that it's off from the Tuesday/Friday schedule. Don't think that these will be regular, we'll only be putting these up in the days between the scheduled posts if we have an extra little random bit to put out.

So Henry finally bought a microphone so he can skype call and play on PSN with us without sounding like Kenny from South Park. I'm not even exaggerating that bit, you can hear him in some of the videos on my channel (it was like the cactus farms or water tower thingy) and you'll hear what sounds like a swarm of bees trapped in an underpass. Most unpleasant.

Anyways, this one is gonna be sorta like those Darth Vader masks that pick up your audio and drop it a few notes and add a bit of distortion. There will be two models; the one that distorts you so you sound like James Maynard Keenan (with audio quality so bad, it MUST have been imported from China!), and the one that repetitively bitch slaps you several times a second so that you words become muffled.

The number of practical uses for this are as great as the number of 5 dollar bills you find in those charity donation boxes at the mall or in McDonalds. Very few. I suppose you could use it in a reenactment of your favorite South Park episode (but that's nasty since almost every episode includes shit...look at Mr.Hanky) or use it to piss off your teachers by being physically unable to answer questions in class.

If you do find yourself walking down the street one day and you see one (it'll probably have been ripped off from our blog), do me a favor and buy a dozen of them. Hand them out to your friends, and go find Henry. Surround him and talk to him. About anything. It doesn't matter, because he'll know what it feels like to have to go through trying to understand you, just like we had to. I assume it'll be very awkward and embarrassing for him.

The Amazon Beaver Mafia

One day on a "field trip" in Geography class our teacher was talking about trees. I actually have no clue as to how it got to this but Henry brought up the question of what would happen if beavers were to all of a sudden migrate to the Amazon Rain Forest. Only Henry could have come up with this solution.

• The beavers would form alliances with a certain kind of tree, ensuring it's survival.
• The beaver would then proceed to cut down all the neighboring trees to it's own tree to clear the canopy and allow it's tree unadulterated access to the soil's nutrients and the sun's light.
• In return the tree will provide shelter and safety for it's beaver. I'm assuming it would kinda dig a hole into the side and live in it like a squirrel.
• Somehow the tree will provide sexual favors for the beaver, which after knowing Henry for 4 or 5 years I would assume involves the knots in the bark of the tree and holes.

If this were to actually happen the Amazon Rain Forest would be pretty screwed. The protection from the trees would make it near impossible for a predator to touch the beaver (maybe they'll evolve to look something like the ents from LOTR...actually no in that case they wouldn't need the beavers anymore...) so the beaver would become an unstoppable clear cutting forestry machine.

If we could get those two groups to cooperate I was thinking maybe we could sell the idea to McDonalds or something so they could do their rain forest raping a lot more efficiently, while Henry and I could be swimming in an Olympic sized pool of cash and burritos. Then again, it could mess up the entire planet's ecosystems since the rain forest is gone...

Nah, burritos are way cooler.

Dis-Alarming Clock

This item is supposed to be used like an alarm clock. Just like any alarm clock, you use this to wake yourself up in the morning at the necessary time, being able to control when the alarm goes off down to the minute. What makes this different from other alarm clocks is that once the alarm rings, you have 10 seconds to wake up and cut the correct wire to stop the alarm. If the right wire is cut, the alarm will turn off, and be reset for the next day (the wires reconnect after being cut through the power of magic fairy powder). If the wrong wire is cut or the alarm is left alone the alarm clock will explode, destroying everything in a 1km radius. See, the ingenious idea behind this clock is that the person must wake up and be alert enough to cut the right wires, or else you'll die. The wires are automatically randomized every day so that you'll be alert and sharp every day. And just to make sure that you're alert, there'll be times where the alarm is false, and cutting any wires would mean death, adding to the alertness you'll need when disarming the clock. It also runs on solar power, so it doesn't use any electricity!

The best part is that it doubles as a sandwich maker.

NOTE (from Alex): It may be advisable to tell your neighbors when you're going to be out overnight so that they can deal with the clock in your absence. You can ignore this completely if you're like me and you hate your neighbors though.

A Fistful of Flavor

On the subway ride home from Eaton's centre Henry came up with this one. I'll list the main points:

• You will have a glove that looks like a burger. Or maybe a real burger that you shove your hand into. Both work.
• Under the glove is a plate that circles around your wrist to give the appearance that the burger is sitting on the plate. It is advised to cut a hole into the plate before putting it on because otherwise this would be very painful.
• If you hold your forearm out almost 90 degrees up while the rest of your arm is more or less parallel to the ground, you should be able to make it look like you're holding a plate with a burger on it.
• Ask your friend if they want the burger. In their moment of vulnerability punch them in the face with the burger glove.

While i'm not sure why you'd want to punch your friend in the face, I think this is a pretty good setup. If you do have an affinity for your friends and don't want to hurt them you can try someone you don't like. Maybe your mentally challenged math teacher. Or maybe Bruce Willis. Actually no, don't do that last one, he'll probably kick your ass.