The Analog Waffle Iron Image Scanner

For those of you who are camera geeks like I am, this can be comparable to a CCD in how it works. With a CCD there is an array of individual photosensors that calculate light levels and run algorithms to tell the processor how to average out colour and luminosity in different regions of the photo. CCD panels are very sensitive instruments but in concept they are very simple in design. Or at least to me, since I put together like 6 pages of info on how they work on a Tech project only to change topics because going into such a level of detail on each component of the camera would force me to spend several months to-...you get the point.

Anyways, waffles are tasty. Real tasty. Really Really awesome too, but not so that it would outshine the ideas on this blog. They're so tasty that seeing a porcupine in a bikini grind on a rail made of licorice while using Justin Bieber as a board and then dismounting with a triple axel spin wouldn't seduce your mind from it's flavour. And that is the basis of this next idea.

It consists of a douche food critic with an adept palate and some really fast brain processing speed. The paper that you want to scan will have to be a standard 8x11, since waffles should never come any bigger than that, and be printed with ink or burned with a laser printer. 

If it was a laser printer, take a fresh hot waffle and smack it into the paper, letting it rub in for a second or two. Minute traces of the burnt paper will fall into place on the waffle and leave a slight alteration in flavour that our douche critic will pick up on. The same concept applies with the ink printer except obviously with ink.

He will proceed to insert the waffle into his mouth and assess the landscape of the waffle, finding pseudo-eddies where patterns of ink have touched the waffle. He will then paint out the original paper by hand, giving you a copy of the original script to give to your loved ones. Also did I mention that the scanner only works if the critic has renowned art skills? Well, I did now. We might as well throw an engineer and a politician into the mix of this man's fields of expertise.

The (other kind of) Master Key

So today (umm...the 19th since this is getting posted later than today) I forgot to bring my keys out with me when I left for school. Here I am sitting in front of my door, still slightly damp from the rain, and playing with Python on my notebook. At least I have something to do for the next couple of hours.

I've tried picking my own door's lock on multiple occasions (I used to forget my keys a lot), and of course that didn't work out. Library cards, bobby pins, and paper clips don't work as well as Hollywood would suggest.

This so called "Master Key" is about the size of a hidden pistol, so it ideally fits in your hand with the barrel protruding a bit farther than your palm. Wait, did I just say barrel? Yes I just did. Surprise surprise, it's a palm sized shotgun. The barrel would probably be about... .4 cm in diameter? It'll have to be about 3 cm in length to make sure you get a decent spread. But don't worry, through the magic of non existent nanotechnology and advanced ballistics I'll develop some sort of super duper buck shot that can obliterate tumblers in one go.

So obviously you slide the barrel in just like you would any other key and let 'er rip. Then all you have to do is pick what's left of the sliding lock from what's left of your door and enter. High end models will include a side mounted spare lock holder so you can patch it up once you're done.

The handy thing about it's size is that you can easily conceal it so you don't scare the pants off of some near sighted elderly woman with the vaguely pistol shaped master-key-explosive-lock-removing-shotgun. If you are to ever about to be mugged you can load it with some more potent buckshot to defend yourself. Make it incendiary shells just to be safe. With explosive ordinance packed in. And mini-EMP bursts (now that's how you think like a genius). Maybe this can be one of those god guns Henry was trying to invent.

The Back-To-School Wall

Summer means a lot of things for students. Among those things is growth. Growing bonds with friends, growing boredom,  growing bodies, and of course growing flabs of fat from sitting in your living room for 8 hours straight playing video games in the darkness while shoving your mouth with Cheetos. But more importantly growing bodies. Too many times have I gone back to school to have my friends remark "wow did you grow in the summer?".

No. The answer is no. It's always no. Want to know why? Because it was just 2 months, unless you're on some scary ass supersoldier diet you are never gonna grow that high in such a small period of time. Thankfully this innovation will help me out with dealing with these people.

Every school in the TDSB shall be equipped with a big ass wall. By methods to be decided later, they are to mark their general body shape into the wall. You could have a day where everyone goes out, lines up, and has their homeroom teacher mark their height on the wall with a little sharpie. Or maybe if you wanna have fun you can pave it with fresh concrete and have children propel themselves into the wall while it's still wet so that their imprints are immortalized once it dries. Notin wrong wit a lil knock to de noggin, a nit?

You could use the wall to see who got stronger based on how deep the imprint goes. You could see who got fat or lost weight (and who will appropriately be named the "sluts" or "bitches" if I have my female rivalry correct). And of course, you can correct those idiots that question whether or not you've gotten taller during the summer. After all, they all just got shorter...right?

Toronto's Municipal Defense System

So after all that talk about Rob Ford and his brother being douches, I've been thinking about something. There has to be something that they're good for in this city, right? Well I've got it. In the event of an invasion from the US, or Russia, or North Korea, or any of those shady Communist countries that our media tries to make us believe are scary, we'll have our very own defenses that could fend off attack on the city. And it puts Rob Ford to very good use.

Each cannon located at Fort York will be outfitted with valves to connect them directly to a pneumatic pump system located in City Hall. At the source of what is to be an immense amount of explosive force, will be Rob Ford's behind. Located near his right hand will be a massive stack of chilli cheese bean burritos and on the right will be a tub of molten lard to wash it down, ensuring that this bowel will be very, very irritable.

The massive amount of gas under pressure in these tubes should be enough to launch projectiles from these cannons all the way to China if we need it. More practically, we could use it to fling frozen turds at the Arctic Circle to keep those crafty Russians at bay. When political unrest becomes too great in the Middle East or the Korean border, we can load the cannons with ICBMs (wait, they aren't missiles any more if there is no missile attached, is there? lets just say warheads for now).

If there are any riots situated around the world, self sealing canisters of special made riot gas (also known as Mexican food flatulence) can be promptly delivered. If only I had thought of this before the London riots!

Cancer Baby Accelerated Fetus Growth

The idea for this was in it's conceptual stages when Henry asked me if it was possible to take cancer from one person and give it to another. So anyways, the process of becoming a mother is a real pain in the...uh...womb? I haven't done it myself but the idea of waking up every morning with the desire to vomit your intestines out does not seem very appealing to me. 

Luckily I came up with a solution while "brainstorming" (A.K.A. playing video games) with Henry. Whenever a woman goes to her local sperm bank from this day forth, we should have the sperm come in two flavours (look how awkward I made reading this become. :D ). Regular (maybe we should call it "Original") and Enhanced.

The Enhanced kind will have been exposed to some sort of radiation (I'm no nuclear scientist) for an exposed period of time prior to its use. Hopefully during this time the sperm will have developed cancer, but seeing that it is in dormant state I'm assuming that the disease won't start spreading and manifesting too soon.

After artificial insemination, the sperm will have become active and the cancer will make stem cells start being produced at a rate incredibly faster than usual (and the usual is already pretty fast), making the baby grow faster than it normally would.

Maybe it'll grow so fast that its brain will fully develop whilst in the womb and it'll come out not completely retarded. If we develop some sort of radiation that gives instant terminal cancer it could make the babies grow so fast that the incubation period could be halved. Maybe it could be a mere month. Or a week. If I can get this supercancer working maybe the baby will pop out of any female that the sperm touches. Hell should I know, after all we do have smartphones and 3D pornography now (oh, I went there). 

The next thing you know, DIY home kits for the male counterpart could be made where his own little soldiers could be collected and buffed up with the magical wonder of radiation (people used to think smoking helped with asthma, who could possibly question this). Black market variants of controversially awesome accelerated sperm could come into play, and Chinese ripoffs of the product could ravage markets around the world as it turns out that the sperm came with lead paint. Production factories could prove to be one of the awesomest jobs for rednecks as raw materials would need to come in constantly to keep the franchises running. Whores and prostitutes could be bumped up a notch on the social totem pole as product testers for supercancer babies become the new all time low, apart from being Lindsay Lohan. 

If you've actually bothered to read this entire post without being morally disturbed and disgusted by these ideas, good for you. I'm going to go to sleep now rather than continue talking about mutant ejaculate.

A little update: I think I found someone who got the idea before me. http://www.explosm.net/comics/1529/