So after all that talk about Rob Ford and his brother being douches, I've been thinking about something. There has to be something that they're good for in this city, right? Well I've got it. In the event of an invasion from the US, or Russia, or North Korea, or any of those shady Communist countries that our media tries to make us believe are scary, we'll have our very own defenses that could fend off attack on the city. And it puts Rob Ford to very good use.
Each cannon located at Fort York will be outfitted with valves to connect them directly to a pneumatic pump system located in City Hall. At the source of what is to be an immense amount of explosive force, will be Rob Ford's behind. Located near his right hand will be a massive stack of chilli cheese bean burritos and on the right will be a tub of molten lard to wash it down, ensuring that this bowel will be very, very irritable.
The massive amount of gas under pressure in these tubes should be enough to launch projectiles from these cannons all the way to China if we need it. More practically, we could use it to fling frozen turds at the Arctic Circle to keep those crafty Russians at bay. When political unrest becomes too great in the Middle East or the Korean border, we can load the cannons with ICBMs (wait, they aren't missiles any more if there is no missile attached, is there? lets just say warheads for now).
If there are any riots situated around the world, self sealing canisters of special made riot gas (also known as Mexican food flatulence) can be promptly delivered. If only I had thought of this before the London riots!
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