Kinky Kurt and his Octopus Accomplice

Today Henry spun a quite colorful yarn on the topic of how he plans one day to get a pet octopus. Upon my question of what the hell he is to do with an octopus, he told me that he would train it to pick locks. You know, because they're super smart and have eight appendages.

Wow. Makes you wonder how such a genius could possibly come up with such a... bright idea.

First off, isn't there the whole problem of octopi being aquatic?

"I'll stand there with a cup of water splashing it while it picks the lock. It has... uh... 8 arms so when we go in it'll go around grabbing everything ."

And he meant, like, EVERYTHING. You're going to be coming home to an empty den and wonder where the hell your sofa went. My next question was, won't the police kind of notice a string of burglaries where every single crime scene is littered with bits of decayed fish and water splashed all over half the front porch and living room? We kept on talking about it and it went nowhere, just like most of our conversations.

So now it's my time to somehow come out with both sides on this stance. The first con might be that the octopus could be subject to abuse, seeing that Henry... likes animals. Like dolphins.

The pros would be... uhh... you can eat it later?

Now, what's genius about this? Not much really. Wanna know what is? Getting a second octopus, and breeding them like rednecks. Feed them nothing but entire cows, and they'll grow to about the size of a minivan each (because that's how it works, right?). So now you have 100 giant octopi at your disposal (i'll attach giant soda hats to them so that there's a constant stream of water going), and about 10 covert octopus agents hibernating in Lake Ontario, ready for you to unleash your mollusc invasion of the entire Great Lakes area. I'll teach them Kumon calculus or something so they get mind powers.

Once my giant telekinetic super octopi secure the Great Lakes area for the great mollusc nation (TheAmazingSnail), I'll transport them to oceans and seas around the world to recruit the whales, sharks, and dolphins as well, while maintaining their numbers with a breeding pool in a covert location (don't check my basement, because it totally won't be there. Really. Go away). I'll be like Hitler, but without the whole genocide-fuelling hatred filled bit. No, once I've taken control of the world (which may require a bit of killing. Just a bit.), I'll proceed to take the actions necessary to actually save the world from climate change, such as outlawing non-renewable energy and promoting the respect of animals and ecosystems.

"What?"

That was you. Just now. Yeah, didn't see that coming.