Avoiding Bear Rape

Hey guys, as all of you know, I live a double life as an average teenage school girl internet blogger named Miley Stewart Alex Shi by day and a famous pop singer super duper awesome talentless celebrity named Hannah Montana Snooki by night. Being so super duper famous, I obviously never really put any effort in anything and I rely on my looks and promiscuity coupled with the idiocy of America to get a free ride in life (among other kinds of rides...). That being said, I've hired someone to write this week's post. This was a special job of course, and for that I've prepared quite a hefty sum of a reward. That is to say, the amount that I've paid for this post was...


NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOTTTTTHHHHHHIINNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, gotta love Metalocalypse. Wanted to say that for quite a while. :)
(Yes that was a link, silly, go click on it.)

Anyways, here I introduce the first (and only? Iunno) guest post on RRRAI:

Avoiding Bear Rape - A Lucian Wang Adventure

Author’s Note: Events described may not have occurred as written. Except the parts about my penis, that’s all totally true.

           Today, I woke up and immediately (okay, after doing some stuff that I do every morning which we won’t go into here because this is a CLASSY blog) decided “FUCK YEAH GEOCACHING”.

           Geocaching: A “sport” where you go out into forests and try to find geocaches filled with goodies. Once you find a geocache you take one thing, and put in another thing. After a few weeks, it essentially becomes a game of find-the-feces. 

            I was walking in the forest, dodging cruisers left and right, and occasionally joining one or two, I noticed immediately that this wasn’t a regular forest. No sirree, no lame-ass squirrels or deer in this forest, this was a CRUISER BEAR FOREST. 

            Ladies, gentlemen, transvestites and Pasca, let me just say: I will have - happy happy yumyum- with many things; A microwaved bagel. A piece of raw meat. Madonna. But I draw the line at angry, horny, STD-ridden bears. 

            Cruisers: People who walk around naked in forests, looking for -CENSORED: Let’s just call it “Happy happy yumyum”- 

            Cruiser Bears: Bears who walk around naked in forests, looking for -Happy happy yumyum-            

            Madonna: A cross between a microwaved bagel and a piece of raw meat, yet so much worse than the two things alone. 

            I scrambled around the forest, determined to complete my quest to lay feces in to a small plastic container. My watchful eyes scanned the forest, wary of any bears wandering around looking to engage in violent homosexual interspecies intercourse. I soon grew bored of the tedious search, and I devised a brilliant plan to speed things up a little. I wiggled my ears, twitched my eyebrows, and sure enough, my ultra-manly mass of chest hair sprang out from underneath my Hugo Boss suit. The shroud of hair soon covered the forest, enveloping it underneath its power. 

            Chest hair: A powerful force of nature, that only the greatest of men are permitted to wield, teeming with sexual energy. 

            The sexual energy within the hair reached out and found the package (heh) for me, and then returned to its sheath within my suit. The tiny container was already filled to the brim with various candies, figurines and trinkets. No matter, one flick of the hair and that all vaporized, reappearing elsewhere in –CENSORED: Let’s just call them “Battery-powered, adult entertainment devices”- form. As I dropped my trousers, ready to do the deed, I suddenly realized with horror: They were waiting for this. The reason I hadn’t seen any Cruiser bears yet was because they were hiding in wait of this vulnerable moment. 

            Cruiser bears are extremely cunning and deceptive, compared to other Cruiser-type animals, such as Cruiser wolves and Cruiser rabbits. 

            As the first bear jumped out behind a tree, its comrades following it, I quickly formulated a plan. Reaching into my wallet for the XXXL CHAINED BEAST condoms that I always keep on me, as only the XXXL size condoms will accommodate me (Ladies, *wink*), I quickly expanded them to their full size. I threw them and directed them using the gravitational force of my enormous - CENSORED: Let’s just call it “The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure”-. The cruiser bears found themselves trapped inside enormous condoms, each specifically designed to contain the awesome power found within - The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure- 

            The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure: An incredibly powerful weapon, designed by the hand of God (but in a totally straight way), to strike fear and awe in the hearts of mortal women, bestowed upon mankind’s greatest: Lucian Wang. Legend tells that The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure, is one day destined to save mankind from Ragnarok, by breeding a new force of super-human beings. Ladies, feel free to take part in this (extremely satisfying) mission.           

             Safe from harm, I did the deed and returned home, ready for the adventures of the afternoon. (Hint: They were dirty) (Hint: They most certainly did not involve 8 seconds of one activity, and 40 minutes of post-coitus crying)            

            Coital: Pertaining to Coitus 

            Coitus: A fancy-shmancy way of saying - happy happy yumyum- 

             Did I mention The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure also once saved a busload of orphans holding puppies, chocolates, diamonds and Taylor Swift? Cuz yeah.

Those cruiser rabbits be vicious, yo.