Inter-Skyscraper Sports League

You'll notice this post wasn't written in my usual style of crude satire, do enjoy it anyways. (That was an order.)

Alright, so I've actually never worked an office job. My parents work in smaller offices that that accommodate smaller numbers of people, so I've never really seen the work environment inside a skyscraper. BUT. The media says that it sucks, so that means that I believe so too. The media is everything, it is truth, it is my life's being (and a shit load of propaganda).

Anyways, as I was saying, it must be boring as balls. You'll be sitting there couped up, doing data entry and spreadsheets and some other menial task, when you'll pop up Internet Explorer and start entering addresses. Facebook? Blocked. NFL? Blocked. NBA? Blocked. Shit. And you know that the dirty ones are gone too.

But wait. You just remembered. Dave, your next door neighbour, works in the skyscraper beside you. Wait, is that him over there? Hey, his window is facing yours! Ooh, he's waving now! You wave back. Hmm... what should we do now...

Obviously the only logical thing to solve this conundrum of boring-ness is to whip out a ping pong ball and an industrial ping pong paddle. What? That doesn't exist? Well, it does now. It'll be a two-part paddle with a pneumatic pump to pump out the other half like a jackhammer, i'll make it shoot at 240 kph or something. So find a spot on the sidewalk down below so that you don't kill someone, and whip out your protractor and calculator, it's time to make the first volley across.

BAM! Whoops. Missed. Smashed in the window 6 right, 17 down from him. Uhh... the dude didn't see you yet, just keep going. Oh shit, that one just smashed through the newspaper box down there. Crap. One last try. Here we go-

Oh! Damn, it actually made it! It's soaring through the air, towards your friend, and he returns the first strike! Hah! This is even more fun than punching orphans and collecting their tears in a jar! having sex while pooping and eating at the same time! pretending to be the batman in a public park while in nothing but your underwear! snowboarding! Damn, look at that sucker go, it's whizzing back down and- oh shit. Oh Shit. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit it just hit some old lady down there. Why won't she get back up?!?! Uhh... did anyone see that?

You turn around. Dave's freaking out in his cubicle. You run to the washroom and drop your paddle in the trash. This isn't right, you can't be associated with murder! You hurl into the toilet and hear a knocking at the door. Ohgodohgodohgod, they found us man, game over, game ove-

WHOA! Jesus. It was all just a dream. You look around. Where the hell am I?

I'm in a little dingy room, dressed in black and white stripes, on the bottom bunk of a mangy cot, and there's this weird soreness in your as- Oh. Right. You've been in jail for 4 years now for raping a donkey. Well, this sucks.

Go Away

Here's an idea you might possibly even see within the next few years. Dibs on the patent!

So here, before you do anything else, go watch this:
Samsung's Smart Window



Pretty kick-ass, eh?
When I first saw it my first thought went along the lines of " yeah! Smart window! Smart mirror! Smart coffee table! Smart coffee mugs! Put that shit on EVERYTHING!", which while it is fine and dandy, it's kind of impractical. Rather than enclose your mind with thoughts of what you could be doing in the house, think of what you could do outside the house.

All I'm saying is that the possibilities are endless if you just flip it around so people outside could see. While you could just make it play obscene images all day, that is quite unoriginal.

Remember that scene in Home Alone where Keith puts on that assload of silhouettes in his house to make it look like it was full to the robbers? Yeah, something like that. Except of them getting murdered. You'll be the scariest dude on the block, and ain't no stupid kids gon' be riding their bikes over your lawn.

You can use it to show your support for a certain MPP, an upcoming movie, or quite possibly just a lot of phallic images. Which will probably be about a good %40 of all users.

Don't you hate it when annoying sales people come up to your door and bother you, trying to sell useless shit? Or maybe you just hate your very loud Indian neighbors that insist on letting the smell of their cooking waft out into the hall by leaving their doors open. Set up a simple trip wire by your front door step to start the audio loop. What audio loop you ask? Maybe a little something like these:

"Oi! Charles, get the door! Hell naw, stupid woman! You go get it! What did you just call me? What do you think I did, you dumb bitch? *loud crash* Oh, now you're going to get it! *loud impact noises * How do you like that? *sounds of struggle* Now go make me a sandwhich."

" Pa! There'n be a man on the porch! Fella look'a like he be from the bank! The bank?!? Boy, get me the shotgun! *audible gun cocking and loading* Ha ha, let's see how they like this! *loud thuds as man approaches door* You go get'm good, Pa!"

 " *loop soundtrack of two people having passionate intercourse very, very loudly*"

If your neighbor hasn't left yet, I suggest you move, because those are some pretty nasty ass perverts.

Kinky Kurt and his Octopus Accomplice

Today Henry spun a quite colorful yarn on the topic of how he plans one day to get a pet octopus. Upon my question of what the hell he is to do with an octopus, he told me that he would train it to pick locks. You know, because they're super smart and have eight appendages.

Wow. Makes you wonder how such a genius could possibly come up with such a... bright idea.

First off, isn't there the whole problem of octopi being aquatic?

"I'll stand there with a cup of water splashing it while it picks the lock. It has... uh... 8 arms so when we go in it'll go around grabbing everything ."

And he meant, like, EVERYTHING. You're going to be coming home to an empty den and wonder where the hell your sofa went. My next question was, won't the police kind of notice a string of burglaries where every single crime scene is littered with bits of decayed fish and water splashed all over half the front porch and living room? We kept on talking about it and it went nowhere, just like most of our conversations.

So now it's my time to somehow come out with both sides on this stance. The first con might be that the octopus could be subject to abuse, seeing that Henry... likes animals. Like dolphins.

The pros would be... uhh... you can eat it later?

Now, what's genius about this? Not much really. Wanna know what is? Getting a second octopus, and breeding them like rednecks. Feed them nothing but entire cows, and they'll grow to about the size of a minivan each (because that's how it works, right?). So now you have 100 giant octopi at your disposal (i'll attach giant soda hats to them so that there's a constant stream of water going), and about 10 covert octopus agents hibernating in Lake Ontario, ready for you to unleash your mollusc invasion of the entire Great Lakes area. I'll teach them Kumon calculus or something so they get mind powers.

Once my giant telekinetic super octopi secure the Great Lakes area for the great mollusc nation (TheAmazingSnail), I'll transport them to oceans and seas around the world to recruit the whales, sharks, and dolphins as well, while maintaining their numbers with a breeding pool in a covert location (don't check my basement, because it totally won't be there. Really. Go away). I'll be like Hitler, but without the whole genocide-fuelling hatred filled bit. No, once I've taken control of the world (which may require a bit of killing. Just a bit.), I'll proceed to take the actions necessary to actually save the world from climate change, such as outlawing non-renewable energy and promoting the respect of animals and ecosystems.

"What?"

That was you. Just now. Yeah, didn't see that coming.

Avoiding Bear Rape

Hey guys, as all of you know, I live a double life as an average teenage school girl internet blogger named Miley Stewart Alex Shi by day and a famous pop singer super duper awesome talentless celebrity named Hannah Montana Snooki by night. Being so super duper famous, I obviously never really put any effort in anything and I rely on my looks and promiscuity coupled with the idiocy of America to get a free ride in life (among other kinds of rides...). That being said, I've hired someone to write this week's post. This was a special job of course, and for that I've prepared quite a hefty sum of a reward. That is to say, the amount that I've paid for this post was...


NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOTTTTTHHHHHHIINNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, gotta love Metalocalypse. Wanted to say that for quite a while. :)
(Yes that was a link, silly, go click on it.)

Anyways, here I introduce the first (and only? Iunno) guest post on RRRAI:

Avoiding Bear Rape - A Lucian Wang Adventure

Author’s Note: Events described may not have occurred as written. Except the parts about my penis, that’s all totally true.

           Today, I woke up and immediately (okay, after doing some stuff that I do every morning which we won’t go into here because this is a CLASSY blog) decided “FUCK YEAH GEOCACHING”.

           Geocaching: A “sport” where you go out into forests and try to find geocaches filled with goodies. Once you find a geocache you take one thing, and put in another thing. After a few weeks, it essentially becomes a game of find-the-feces. 

            I was walking in the forest, dodging cruisers left and right, and occasionally joining one or two, I noticed immediately that this wasn’t a regular forest. No sirree, no lame-ass squirrels or deer in this forest, this was a CRUISER BEAR FOREST. 

            Ladies, gentlemen, transvestites and Pasca, let me just say: I will have - happy happy yumyum- with many things; A microwaved bagel. A piece of raw meat. Madonna. But I draw the line at angry, horny, STD-ridden bears. 

            Cruisers: People who walk around naked in forests, looking for -CENSORED: Let’s just call it “Happy happy yumyum”- 

            Cruiser Bears: Bears who walk around naked in forests, looking for -Happy happy yumyum-            

            Madonna: A cross between a microwaved bagel and a piece of raw meat, yet so much worse than the two things alone. 

            I scrambled around the forest, determined to complete my quest to lay feces in to a small plastic container. My watchful eyes scanned the forest, wary of any bears wandering around looking to engage in violent homosexual interspecies intercourse. I soon grew bored of the tedious search, and I devised a brilliant plan to speed things up a little. I wiggled my ears, twitched my eyebrows, and sure enough, my ultra-manly mass of chest hair sprang out from underneath my Hugo Boss suit. The shroud of hair soon covered the forest, enveloping it underneath its power. 

            Chest hair: A powerful force of nature, that only the greatest of men are permitted to wield, teeming with sexual energy. 

            The sexual energy within the hair reached out and found the package (heh) for me, and then returned to its sheath within my suit. The tiny container was already filled to the brim with various candies, figurines and trinkets. No matter, one flick of the hair and that all vaporized, reappearing elsewhere in –CENSORED: Let’s just call them “Battery-powered, adult entertainment devices”- form. As I dropped my trousers, ready to do the deed, I suddenly realized with horror: They were waiting for this. The reason I hadn’t seen any Cruiser bears yet was because they were hiding in wait of this vulnerable moment. 

            Cruiser bears are extremely cunning and deceptive, compared to other Cruiser-type animals, such as Cruiser wolves and Cruiser rabbits. 

            As the first bear jumped out behind a tree, its comrades following it, I quickly formulated a plan. Reaching into my wallet for the XXXL CHAINED BEAST condoms that I always keep on me, as only the XXXL size condoms will accommodate me (Ladies, *wink*), I quickly expanded them to their full size. I threw them and directed them using the gravitational force of my enormous - CENSORED: Let’s just call it “The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure”-. The cruiser bears found themselves trapped inside enormous condoms, each specifically designed to contain the awesome power found within - The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure- 

            The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure: An incredibly powerful weapon, designed by the hand of God (but in a totally straight way), to strike fear and awe in the hearts of mortal women, bestowed upon mankind’s greatest: Lucian Wang. Legend tells that The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure, is one day destined to save mankind from Ragnarok, by breeding a new force of super-human beings. Ladies, feel free to take part in this (extremely satisfying) mission.           

             Safe from harm, I did the deed and returned home, ready for the adventures of the afternoon. (Hint: They were dirty) (Hint: They most certainly did not involve 8 seconds of one activity, and 40 minutes of post-coitus crying)            

            Coital: Pertaining to Coitus 

            Coitus: A fancy-shmancy way of saying - happy happy yumyum- 

             Did I mention The Wang Spear of Heavenly Pleasure also once saved a busload of orphans holding puppies, chocolates, diamonds and Taylor Swift? Cuz yeah.

Those cruiser rabbits be vicious, yo.