National Pencil Topper Width Regulatory Board

Times are dark my friends. In light of the recent economic downturn, I propose that the diameter of pencil toppers of all lengths be brought down 16% in order to save money on the expenses for rubber materials. This is essential, as pencil toppers are used widely across the nation for reasons spanning from writing to competing to see how far you can bounce one off a wall. We can save tonnes of material and energy in the production process, and drop costs so that education can become more affordable. The cost of education is too damn high, as a single student can be expected to go through tens of pencil toppers in their entire life. If you do the math, then you'll realize that you're spending money on these materials. And money can be exchanged for burritos, so you don't want that happening, losing your money to overpriced pencil toppers.

But today I come to you in hopes of speaking of a topic much more dark, a topic foreshadowing this writing piece as the major reason why I propose these regulations. This reason would be pencil topper adultery. You may snicker, but we all know how dire this is. Pencil toppers are casually being taken off pencils and replaced upon others, without any regard for the flow of the system. We can not allow people to simply remove and replace their pencil toppers upon other pencils this freely. Even if they do have bright colours and interesting shapes.

The interiors of these toppers are notched for a reason - to prevent the topper from sliding off the pencil. There is reason behind this in the fact that once a topper and pencil are bound together, they should never be split. Just like first love, once the two join, they are to be soul mates until either degrades from extended use. These two may be in union so long as you are not to taint their sanctity. Repeated removal of pencil toppers may lead to wearing away of the interior of the eraser or dislodged pencil ends, leaving the respective part unfit for service ever again. It's important parts have been ruined effectively, leaving them as sad lifeless husks of what could have been.

That is why I propose the National Pencil Topper Width Regulatory Board's creation, so that we may bring about reform and save these poor sticks of wood and rubber slabs. Upon the death of one of the halves, the remaining party of the pair is to be immortalized in The Bottom Of The Drawer. You are not to take another eraser topper and plop it down onto the remaining stub of pencil, or put the worn eraser topper on top of a new pencil. Because, you see, once we transgress in such a fashion, it opens up a gateway to other acts of unspeakable treachery.

Soon people will back out on other promises, such as politicians (they already do that) lovers. They'll walk out on eachother when they see fit without a second thought.

Military planners? "Oh watsup bro cookie, it turns out we are invading you now".

Taco Bell employees. "NO! I say when the time is to serve you, and the time is not now!"

And when we don't have our cheap Mexican food, what do we have left to live for? For the sake of the Crunchwrap Supreme, Stop Pencil Topper Adultery now!