A Meyerification of Life

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That ring is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That puppy is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That man is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That tree is ugly.

Hey, a shiny cardboard box! Look how shiny it is! Look at it! Look at it!

That's a somewhat accurate rundown of what my train of thought was running through one morning last week (so like the start of February?) when the weather decided to stop being such a pussy and actually snow half a centimeter. In the aftermath of the devastating several mm of precipitation that Toronto was bombarded with, there was actually a pretty decent layer of frost covering some random objects on my way to school. Like the grass. And the sidewalk. And a random cardboard box I just happened to see. And damn, that was one really attractive cardboard box.

It makes sense, people have urges. All kinds of urges, whether it be for money, procreation, or Mexican food. I know I've played out on a good two of those three things. Go on, guess which it is.

Don't know? Yeah, I don't feel like I need money that much. *wink wink* No. Uhh... Back on topic.

Among those urges would be the primal redneck instinct -wait. Sorry. That was politically incorrect. The primal Southern folk instinct to be attracted to shiny things. And you know how you make stuff that isn't particularly shiny become shiny? By glazing it in extra nice stuff.

In this case it would be frost. Why are Froot Loops so damn tasty? They're not, you just think so because it's glazed to look shiny (or at least smooth on some parts). Why is Robert Pattinson making so much damn money sitting in front of a camera with a toned CGI abdomen? He's not, it's not the body, it's the glitter. You're attractive to his shininess. And finally, why do we seem to be so damn attracted to Apple products? It's not because they're innovative smartphones anymore, Android surpassed them in that already a while back. It's because the glass casing makes it shiny.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, and eyes, and hips, and stomachs, and thighs, and anywhere else strippers may like to apply glitter; for we shall craft a great new land today. A land known as South'rn Idaho Moonshine County The Bopping Cowgirl Gentlemen's Club Daytona 500 Supreme 24/7 Canada Mk. II, and in it there will be no prejudice! No injustice! Neither will there be poverty, nor fear, nor strife, nor any of these unpleasantries! You see, in this vast land of beautiful glittery people and things who sparkle, no one will ever be called ugly, hideous, or visually displeasing again! And through that, we will achieve full synonymity in our perfect sparkly outer selves, and no longer shall we be shackled by the chains of well rounded characteristics or bright personalities! All will be equal in our shallow, superficial ideals of the perfect person. We must...