Get ready for an extra large serving of ramblings with a
nice creamy sauce of Durp.
~~~
FADE IN WITH
A SPINNING ARC, PANNING PIVOT ABOUT MAIN CHARACTER, PEDESTAL DOWN, TRUCK IN.
CHEESY ASS CHARACTER
THEME PLAYS.
(You’re gonna need a shit load of rollercoaster tracks to get this dolly camera)
Nothing goes to plan and a domino effect of epic fail plays
out in front of you in slow motion. A pretty girl is crying before you. Your
best friend looks the other way with a look of disgust and leaves you. You’ve
tripped and an oversized burrito full of molten nacho cheese is flying through
the air, about to hit Robert Downey Jr. and ruin his crisp white shirt,
bringing to an end any chance of you landing your acclaimed breakthrough
performance on a Broadway rock opera about Harvard cheese vampires invading
Amsterdam’s Red Light District to take back the Provolone encrusted brown jade
pendant that was stolen from the Queen of Bangkok…-ia. Worst of all, the last serving
of chicken fingers in the café just sold out. May Dan Harmon have mercy upon
our souls.
BUT THEN!The nuclear silo explodes behind your back The heroine
pulls out the diary as the scarlet sun sets The rain starts to fall
around you and your soulmate You lamely pull out a pen shaped apparatus and
click down on the top.
BUT THEN!
Everyone in the room freezes on the spot. You walk over, grab
a chicken finger off some random bloke and eat it. Then you walk in between
Johnny Depp and the burrito, take a ready stance, and leave your mouth left
agape, ready to receive His Great Beefy Blessing (wink wink). Clicking down
once again on the pen-looking-thing, the burrito comes flying into your mouth.
From behind you, Johnny Depp exclaims “OMG YOU JUST SAVED ME FROM THIRD DEGREE
MEXICAN FOOD BURNS! +∞
supermodels, sports cars, moneys, and fames to you!”
CREDITS ROLL
~~~
That obscure Community reference aside, I think we’ve all had one of these moments. You see,
thanks to the power of bad storytelling, cheap cookie cutter plots, and
seizurificly cheesy camera work , I’ve effectively masked my next conspiracy theory, and it's all about that stupid pen thing.
For decades now I’ve been secretly feeding all of you liquid
nitrogen mixed with microscopic DVD copies of Pirates of the Carribean - On
Stranger Tides. These deluxe edition CDs, with their unique property of having
an ionic charge of “holy fuck why is this so bad”, effectively neutralize the whole
freeze-off-your-ass part of the liquid nitrogen.
None of you knew that it was in there. It all goes back to the Great War. Materials were
running short and we had to get all the cotton we could. Without any of you knowing it, we planted agents into all of the cotton producing plants around the nation. They spent decades of their lives contributing to this great cause. By the end of the 1960, we had agents in the top circle of every single cotton conglomerate on the face of the planet. And then, we started meddling with the bleach mixes. We added paint thinner to all of the cotton marked to be used in female hygiene products, and watched the chaos ensure.
Over the following decade all the young prepubescent girls developed high concentrations of paint thinner in their hoohahs. All the adult females were affected as well, and thanks to kinky promiscuous love making being so popular, many of the males were exposed to high concentrations of paint thinner as well. So it's kind of our fault that hippies exist.
Around this time, I approached Walt Disney. "What if I told you that I have a way to make millions around the world fall for your cheesy films? The next thing you know, we've got exclusive rights to produce POTC and several million dollars to spend on liquid nitrogen.
Back to the toxic wombs.Upon birth, children of the 70s were just smothered in paint thinner. Causing much brain damage, these children had extremely low IQs (it's starting to make sense, eh?). These incompetent people and children were disillusioned with something called animal rights and healthy eating. Thinking that cows with feelings were in need of saving, and that sweetened sugary plant milk would make them skinnier, people started buying soy milk. Over decades, the magical tainted juice of my creation filled the cells of the hippies, and their children well into 2012.
Soy milk? Of course we mixed the liquid nitrogen/Johnny Depp compound into soy milk. The whole field of genetics was a cover up while we were learning how to suspend microscopic DVDs in soy milk while keeping the appearance homogeneous and the flavour light and refreshing. No one suspected a thing, because soy milk seems so innocent and pure. And NOW, with the power in my hands, I can release clouds of pretentious movie critic nanomachines to enter the blood stream and corrode the copies of Pirates of the Carribean so that the liquid nitrogen freezes EVERYTHING over.
Because, you see, in 2014 I missed the live series finale of Community. On my way to the TV I was blinded by a flying chilli cheese burrito that went flying through my window. I was devastated, what was there to live for now? I considered ending it all. But when I held the gun to my mouth, I hesitated. What if there was a way? In 2020 when the time machines first came out, I went on a one way trip to 1914 to start this great big scheme, so that when the fateful burrito flew through my window in 2014, I would be ready to sacrifice myself in the name of Dan Harmon.
---------------------------------------------------
And that is what you say when you're an 125 year old breaking into a teenager's house to steal their PS3 and you're caught.
Over the following decade all the young prepubescent girls developed high concentrations of paint thinner in their hoohahs. All the adult females were affected as well, and thanks to kinky promiscuous love making being so popular, many of the males were exposed to high concentrations of paint thinner as well. So it's kind of our fault that hippies exist.
Around this time, I approached Walt Disney. "What if I told you that I have a way to make millions around the world fall for your cheesy films? The next thing you know, we've got exclusive rights to produce POTC and several million dollars to spend on liquid nitrogen.
Back to the toxic wombs.Upon birth, children of the 70s were just smothered in paint thinner. Causing much brain damage, these children had extremely low IQs (it's starting to make sense, eh?). These incompetent people and children were disillusioned with something called animal rights and healthy eating. Thinking that cows with feelings were in need of saving, and that sweetened sugary plant milk would make them skinnier, people started buying soy milk. Over decades, the magical tainted juice of my creation filled the cells of the hippies, and their children well into 2012.
Soy milk? Of course we mixed the liquid nitrogen/Johnny Depp compound into soy milk. The whole field of genetics was a cover up while we were learning how to suspend microscopic DVDs in soy milk while keeping the appearance homogeneous and the flavour light and refreshing. No one suspected a thing, because soy milk seems so innocent and pure. And NOW, with the power in my hands, I can release clouds of pretentious movie critic nanomachines to enter the blood stream and corrode the copies of Pirates of the Carribean so that the liquid nitrogen freezes EVERYTHING over.
Because, you see, in 2014 I missed the live series finale of Community. On my way to the TV I was blinded by a flying chilli cheese burrito that went flying through my window. I was devastated, what was there to live for now? I considered ending it all. But when I held the gun to my mouth, I hesitated. What if there was a way? In 2020 when the time machines first came out, I went on a one way trip to 1914 to start this great big scheme, so that when the fateful burrito flew through my window in 2014, I would be ready to sacrifice myself in the name of Dan Harmon.
---------------------------------------------------
And that is what you say when you're an 125 year old breaking into a teenager's house to steal their PS3 and you're caught.
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