A Rabid Squirrel is in Your Locker

Quick! It froths at the mouth and makes quite the ruckus! What are you to do about this small rodent jumping about in your personal depository?

Make haste, I say to thee! Wander down to thy friendly warlock of the funk down yonder, and make acquaintanceship with his magical being. A gift of rhythm and song shall do good. Should you now find yourself in his allegiance, you are to bring him to thy nuisance of fur and tooth, and seduce the beast!

Take it out now, ne'er fear. You need not worry, for this beast has been tamed. It shall be called to your presence upon the uttering of it's given title, Titmouse Green. Unto Green you are to bestow love, and nothing other so that you may find that one day it shall reciprocate relish of your own person. When this day comes forth, count the days to the first buds of lavender in the meadow down by the crick. Green shall be brought into this field where he will be sat down in a patch of subdued grass. With a flick of the wrist you are to launch an offshoot in his direction. Let this branch be great enough to give him a fright, but not so that you may injure his fragile limbs.

He flies! He soars! Into the air Green does rise, and truly risen is your small vermin companion! Over the shoulders and over the tail his crown rushes, you have taught him the first of the instalments in his craft!

To the towns and valleys and hamlets the three of you will wander. People will run rampant for Green, bringing with them the naive and the senile, and along with that, their merit. Golden merit that is, for Titmouse Green the rodent and Capricious Cootie the sorcerer will be fruitful in their expeditions to the remotest parts of the world.

I'm terribly sorry but I have to change tone from here on because the next half isn't very easy to write.

Yo dawg, then we be like, takin' the squirrel for some shit, you know? He be going up all over the coasts. West side, East side ain't gon' matter brah. Throw that little mofo into the cart and get his ass over to the next deal. We here to make the green! Hitch my ride up and tow the little f****er myself.

What's that? He's hungry? Throw in a leg of the good stuff, my most amiable negro friend, the moolah awaits us!


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So that's what happens when you leave me alone with a thesaurus for an hour to write a post.

Oh btw I hid links in the punctuation.