A lot of people living in homes normally spend their mornings with a routine of brushing their teeth, bathing, and eating breakfast among other things. One common thing would be to go out and grab the mail. Why not convenience an entire overweight continent by making that 10 second walk non-existent? Introducing the toaster fax machine, not so much an invention as it is an innovation. Every morning when you're stuffing your face with lard, butter, and your light snack of bread you can have your letters printed out through the toaster too!
The letters and mail will come out along with the toast, being ejected out of the toaster to land on your plate along with your meal. I'll figure out the launch trajectories later, I'll just outfit the plates with a sensor or something. By having the meal go to you rather than you go to it, I'll be saving millions of people the chore of going outside into the outdoors in their night gowns, PJs, and bunny slippers. This means that several calories can be saved each day, making your glutinous existence a little nicer.
This system can also be outfitted with a WiFi printer for it to access your e-mails and print them out for you. If you don't like your electric bill you can eat it along with the toast and blame the toaster for sticking the paper to the bread, giving you an excuse for having paid it late. Wire money to your friends easily too!
I'm out of pros for this so this concludes the post.
10/28/2011
10/21/2011
Jello Mould IEDs
So I was thinking of making a post either related to sports or the military. I rode the train of thought for a bit, and came up with nothing. But then the Resistance 3 beta came along and inspired all of this.
Factories will stop building all artillery, ammunition, vehicles, and armor in favor of a buttload of plastic explosives and jello. Yes, I just said jello. An overwhelming number of combatants from America and Canada have been killed by roadside IEDs, in numbers far greater than that of actual firefights. If it's working well for them, why don't we give a shot?
Large delicious molds of lime jello will be crafted around 6.9 pounds of plastic explosive ready to be primed and set off on the field. Why lime jello? Because it's super tasty. And why 6.9 pounds? I actually don't know, but back to the awesome idea.
The moulds will be built into the shape of an amorphic human-like blob. It will then be dressed up either as a news reporter, or given XXXL AE jeans and a Hawaiian shirt to attract the attention of any Taliban militants. They will then be tempted to approach the blob to either kidnap it or attack it, as it's back will be always turned to them (they'll mistaken the folds of gelatin for the glutinous backside of an American). The failsafe mechanism here to prevent civilian casualties is the fact that most Americans are dicks, and regular people wouldn't want to be anywhere near them unless it's with a rusty AK47 and a combat knife. Oh, did that come out offensive? I don't hate all Americans, there are the occasional friendly well-mannered couples and the elderly.
Anyways, by dropping these buggers off near suspected hideouts all over any combat zones that the Americans might face, a serious number of enemy casualties could be achieved. It's both safer and more cost effective than the current battle plan, since all you need to do after it's been dropped off by plane is to have a redneck sit at a distance and wait to detonate the explosives.
Anyways, by dropping these buggers off near suspected hideouts all over any combat zones that the Americans might face, a serious number of enemy casualties could be achieved. It's both safer and more cost effective than the current battle plan, since all you need to do after it's been dropped off by plane is to have a redneck sit at a distance and wait to detonate the explosives.
10/14/2011
Drunken Trombone Master Technique of the Flying Flügelhorn
While my trombone sensei (otherwise known as Paul <3) may not agree with this method of playing the trombone, I think that I should follow through and ensure that the master technique be developed and prepared to be passed down our lineage of great tromboners. Don't ask why I underlined that.
Anyways, as most of you should know, brass instruments are played by manipulating your facial muscles so that you can "buzz" into a mouthpiece to create a vibration that resonates and is amplified by the instrument. The tighter you squeeze your lips, the higher pitched it comes out. The looser it is, the lower the pitch. When it comes to trombones it should be clear enough that we dwell around the lower registers. While some have learned to regulate their breathing and relax their facial muscles to go to notes two or more octaves below Middle C, there are those who (like me) strive to go lower for that beautiful dirty sound.
Alcohol can help, after all it's definitely proved itself to be a useful substance throughout the course of time. By taking a certain number of hits of alcohol, tromboners should theoretically be able to relax themselves to varying degrees of calmness in order to hit much, much lower notes. Sorta like, uh, that drunken kung fu guy from Virtua Fighters 5. Right, Wikipedia says his name is Shun Di. Go youtube that if you want.
Anyways, you could have the light buzz that makes you go down to a low C rather than the usual E, or the complete wasted that should be able to make you hit insanely low Fs (provided that you don't pass out). Who needs tubas and baritones when you have the Drunken Master Technique?
While neither I nor my sensei are alcoholics, we should be able to make the exception this one time.
Anyways, as most of you should know, brass instruments are played by manipulating your facial muscles so that you can "buzz" into a mouthpiece to create a vibration that resonates and is amplified by the instrument. The tighter you squeeze your lips, the higher pitched it comes out. The looser it is, the lower the pitch. When it comes to trombones it should be clear enough that we dwell around the lower registers. While some have learned to regulate their breathing and relax their facial muscles to go to notes two or more octaves below Middle C, there are those who (like me) strive to go lower for that beautiful dirty sound.
Alcohol can help, after all it's definitely proved itself to be a useful substance throughout the course of time. By taking a certain number of hits of alcohol, tromboners should theoretically be able to relax themselves to varying degrees of calmness in order to hit much, much lower notes. Sorta like, uh, that drunken kung fu guy from Virtua Fighters 5. Right, Wikipedia says his name is Shun Di. Go youtube that if you want.
Anyways, you could have the light buzz that makes you go down to a low C rather than the usual E, or the complete wasted that should be able to make you hit insanely low Fs (provided that you don't pass out). Who needs tubas and baritones when you have the Drunken Master Technique?
While neither I nor my sensei are alcoholics, we should be able to make the exception this one time.
10/13/2011
The Ed-jew-ma-cator
In response to the recent passing of my Kumon instructor, I decided to write up this post. While I didn't know him that personally apart from the time I spent at my centre, it does seem fitting to acknowledge such an unfortunate occurrence somehow in some way.
Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where at one point some important science-y looking dude will put a brain impulse sensing helmet or mat thingy on someone's head to pick up on brain activity according to emotional sensation or reaction to certain things? Basically it's like a ridiculous looking coaster/doily on your head. Now imagine that on the position of each of those little joints, there is a mini pseudo-oil rig looking contraption that in essence taps into the neural networking of a human by force. This is to be called, the Ed-jew-ma-cator.
After the device is put into place (a process I'm guessing takes a few hours), several pounds of calculus and trigonometry exercises and Shakespeare analysis are to be blended with water to create a thick pulp of knowledge, and tedious but somewhat fruitful self-learning. Concentrate this over the course of a few days so that it is ready to be implanted into the pupil through the Ed-jew-ma-cator to ensure that he remembers (it'll be physically forced in, it better sink in...). Of course this is assuming that there are no complications with the multiple puncture wounds to the skull.
Through these helmets the school system could be sped up in average duration and efficiency by several thousand percent. Entire grade levels of information could be learnt within the span of a month, making it easier for pupils of all needs. Plus, it'll toughen up our kids so they don't complain about boo-boos on their big toe anymore. Hoorah for advances in edjumacation!
Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where at one point some important science-y looking dude will put a brain impulse sensing helmet or mat thingy on someone's head to pick up on brain activity according to emotional sensation or reaction to certain things? Basically it's like a ridiculous looking coaster/doily on your head. Now imagine that on the position of each of those little joints, there is a mini pseudo-oil rig looking contraption that in essence taps into the neural networking of a human by force. This is to be called, the Ed-jew-ma-cator.
After the device is put into place (a process I'm guessing takes a few hours), several pounds of calculus and trigonometry exercises and Shakespeare analysis are to be blended with water to create a thick pulp of knowledge, and tedious but somewhat fruitful self-learning. Concentrate this over the course of a few days so that it is ready to be implanted into the pupil through the Ed-jew-ma-cator to ensure that he remembers (it'll be physically forced in, it better sink in...). Of course this is assuming that there are no complications with the multiple puncture wounds to the skull.
Through these helmets the school system could be sped up in average duration and efficiency by several thousand percent. Entire grade levels of information could be learnt within the span of a month, making it easier for pupils of all needs. Plus, it'll toughen up our kids so they don't complain about boo-boos on their big toe anymore. Hoorah for advances in edjumacation!
10/07/2011
The Pore Plug
It is really annoying when you suddenly break into a sweat whether it be from exercise or the area just being to hot. This post is a bit personal to me, since I normally sweat from exercise that is neither vigorous nor physically demanding. I'll just suddenly start sweating when I'm not even feeling that hot. It's even more annoying when I touch something only to find out my palms suddenly started sweating while I was walking.
With the use of nanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres assembled into a gel, this so called "plug" will start off as a liquid. Just like syrup on a pancake (or whatever weird non-food related fetish you're into), you smother your skin with this weird viscous liquid. Give it a few seconds and some weird science-y mechanism in the gel will make chemical compounds start reacting with your skin to solidify the gel, kind of like a second skin. But the thing is that the superdupertinynanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres are so superdupertiny that they'll fall into place in your pores and clog them up, sorta like your bowels after eating 5 chilli cheese beef burritos at Taco Bell. This leaves the sweat trapped in the pores, leaving you dry and (somewhat) comfortable. When you want to remove it, you man up and rip it out like an animal.
There are no possible downsides to this since you don't really need to cool your body down to stop yourself from overheating. It's not like you're going to stimulate your heart to the point where it fails or anything. Heat exhaustion is completely unheard of here since the media is too busy reporting the tragedies of cats getting caught in trees and clearance sales at Staples than to report real news. If you can't see or hear about it, it doesn't exist right? Also it's not like it's unsanitary to have dirt and sweat trapped within your skin.
One last little thing that is a pro to this; should you do this while exercising the heat buildup will probably sterilize any male using the product. The amount of warmth will sorta cook your...whats a nice way to say this... TESTICLES to the point where all sperm is killed and you start shooting blanks. Wait, if the sperm exists but it's all dead is it a blank? I don't know. Anyways, you'll have a few hours to do whatever you want relatively safely, provided that the heat exhaustion doesn't make you collapse.
With the use of nanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres assembled into a gel, this so called "plug" will start off as a liquid. Just like syrup on a pancake (or whatever weird non-food related fetish you're into), you smother your skin with this weird viscous liquid. Give it a few seconds and some weird science-y mechanism in the gel will make chemical compounds start reacting with your skin to solidify the gel, kind of like a second skin. But the thing is that the superdupertinynanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres are so superdupertiny that they'll fall into place in your pores and clog them up, sorta like your bowels after eating 5 chilli cheese beef burritos at Taco Bell. This leaves the sweat trapped in the pores, leaving you dry and (somewhat) comfortable. When you want to remove it, you man up and rip it out like an animal.
There are no possible downsides to this since you don't really need to cool your body down to stop yourself from overheating. It's not like you're going to stimulate your heart to the point where it fails or anything. Heat exhaustion is completely unheard of here since the media is too busy reporting the tragedies of cats getting caught in trees and clearance sales at Staples than to report real news. If you can't see or hear about it, it doesn't exist right? Also it's not like it's unsanitary to have dirt and sweat trapped within your skin.
One last little thing that is a pro to this; should you do this while exercising the heat buildup will probably sterilize any male using the product. The amount of warmth will sorta cook your...whats a nice way to say this... TESTICLES to the point where all sperm is killed and you start shooting blanks. Wait, if the sperm exists but it's all dead is it a blank? I don't know. Anyways, you'll have a few hours to do whatever you want relatively safely, provided that the heat exhaustion doesn't make you collapse.
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