The Big Fat Red Jolly Man Catcher

If you think about it, at this very instant there are millions upon millions of children in the world right now. And for each little one, a sad little elf has toiled for nearly a year to try to make toys for them. Considering that these elves are roughly 4 feet tall, as many sources report, and they have fingers about the size of bobby pins, they must get about one toy done every day or two, give or take of consecutive work. Along with eating and sleeping (if they even get to sleep) we're looking at a production rate of; very little per elf. For this reason I estimate his work force to be roughly 80 million strong. In comparison there are nearly a billion people in the world right now defined as hungry by the WHES... Damn! That is one big ass number! This leads into my next idea.

Every single wee 'lil granny is to knit one big ass pullover sweater each this year. Except they won't be giving them to their grandchildren, they'll be used to catch this glutinous elf launderer when he comes invading your homes on Christmas Eve. They'll be mounted under chimneys and mantles, with the opening facing upwards to anticipate the great big boisterous slave driver. Once he falls into this massive net of itchiness, he'll be overcome with a desire to scratch every inch of his ginormous sweaty festive body.

Before you know it by sun rise, he's scratched himself to the point where he's dislocated the pith of his dark core upon the den of someone's house. In other words, he skinned himself alive and bled out all over your nice rug. Anyways, we're gonna take this big cover and give it to Eddie Murphy. He will use it as a skin a la Buffalo Bill from Hannibal Lecter. Or sorta like Eddie Murphy as big ass Eddie Murphy from Norbit.

Anyways, leading his army of elves greater in number than any other current armed forces attachment in the world, he will convert the North Pole into a big ass bakery. Like, big ass bakery. Huge. Enormous. Grandoise. I like using big words. I'm assuming each elf can bake 6 loaves of bread each load. And about 12 loads an hour. For 24 hours a day. and 365 days a year. Before you know it, they've made a good 50,457,600,000,000 loaves of bread in a year. 50 quadrillion loaves is enough to feed each person on the Earth a few thousand times per day, let alone the billion "hungry" people. Of course elves aren't "humans" so they don't need food, sleep, or to live with dignity.

Considering how Santa is sitting on a big ass pile of money, with all the materials, food, salaries, health care, and scantily clad Christmas-themed prostitutes he has to pay for, we should have no doubts in being able to produce such figures. We have the space to grow the wheat on the moon, and the illegal immigrants to cultivate it. Maybe some of that cash can go into a cure for cancer rather than cartons of eggnog.

And thus the story, of how a young yellow boy saved the world and created an equilibrium of world peace and Swedish supermodels, ends.

Merry Christmas mates. :)