Easy Bake Fetus Oven

To all those that are considering having a child at a young age:

Don’t.

It’s no where near as fun as you’d think it is, and the cute factor stops about 5 minutes in. I’m tired of suffering from your mediocre parenting (also known as babies wailing in public). It’s completely your fault that you’re a terrible parent with no foresight whatsoever.  Your 10 pound meatsack is no excuse for you to be an annoyance in the public, nor in restaurants, nor amusement parks, nor crammed into public transportation.

Here’s the idea; individual packets of baby making kits will be mass marketed for use in the Easy Bake Fetus Oven. No, you’re not gonna cook the kid. I’m just too lazy to come up with good names. Just pop the little packet into the “oven” and it’ll do the rest.

After being incubated for about 5 minutes (see the cancer baby post...), out comes a full grown screaming ball of angst. Your own little defecating bundle of joy. Of course this will be a non-safe form of cancer (as opposed to my magical “safe” super growth cancer), so the baby will die within 12 hours max.

It’ll be marketed to little girls, just as the Easy Bake Oven is, but the real campaign will be for sensible parents. It’s a shock campaign, designed to scare the s*** out of little kids so that they don’t have babies ‘till they’re actually ready.

What 7 year old doesn’t love taking care of a bloody newt of a child in a placenta as it slowly chokes in it’s own fluids, courtesy of poor parenting? See the realism of jaundice and alcohol-induced deformities before your very own eyes. Realize that you don’t have the resources nor the time to take care of your brand-new hardcore Tamogatchi, and watch it suffer in pain for its short existence.

It’ll be a bigger stopper of teenage pregnancy than Call of Duty.