The Greater Good

Everyday you see people with nice things. They want nice things. They search for nice things. And they envy other people with nice things. But you know what? It's not about just you or your nice things. It's about the community, and making it so that everyone can have things just as nice as yours. If everyone contributes to get nicer things, then everyone will get nice things, including you.

And this will be the message sent across to all those who succumb join the almighty Church of the Snail. Because you see, only when people realize that they must give to the community will they open up their wallets hearts to the church community. Every Sunday, my slaves disciples will gather under the great shell of knowledge, our symbol of the church, and put in their monetary donations to go towards the church and it's services provided, such as teaching the importance of sharing and giving to your masters peers. This monetary donation will teach people to live simpler lives; lives built around friends, family, moral values, and... not really much else. It turns out that the nice things aren't really the things you buy.

All shall acknowledge the Great Shell of Knowledge!

Taking their money is vital to the cause. You see, only then can one ascend to the great state of joy and happiness that is eternal. Such perpetual enjoyment is only viable when the people learn to live off of nothing and appreciate all the extremely small little things.

After all, there is but one great figure that watches over all of us, and there is just one great figure that you aim to please. This would be Father Mollusc, the founder of the Church of the Snail. He was the stingiest, cheapest man to walk this world. That man taught us all to live off of pennies a day and not delve into the horrors of materialism.

By the way, all members of this church must swear an oath of absolute faith (Christians...).

MJ is the Cure

This is insanely funny. The rest of the post will not be.

I personally support the legalization of marijuana. I don't use marijuana. I'm not a punk or a druggie either. To be honest I think dope smells like shit. Not the shit, but unprocessed shit. Feces. Excrement. I live in Scarborough, I would know the smell.

But you wanna know what I am? I'm an average citizen. And that means that I have a higher IQ than the collective IQ of all Canadian Cabinet and US Senate members combined (a trait shared by about every single other person in North America). And that's why you listen to me (since no one takes the politicians seriously anyways).

My biggest point would be crime related to marijuana, grow-ops, and illegal distribution. There are tons of people being arrested constantly for crimes related to these "offences", which leads to a hell of a lot of wasted police resources and other crimes, like murder. Why the hell bother cutting down on it? It's not toxic. It's not a gateway drug, but I'd probably much rather smoke marijuana than try to use cocaine or heroin. It's just as damaging as smoking tobacco or consuming alcohol, and it wastes just as much time that video games do in an angsty teenager with an Xbox.

It's a bit pricey, though, I'll give you that. A single spliff isn't as cheap as chocolate bar. But you know what? If we were to legalize it, people could be authorized to mass produce it on farms and such, leading  to better, cleaner, and healthier kinds of cannabis (like Hong Kong and opium). Of course the government will hop on board in an attempt to heavily tax it, which they've done with gambling, liquor, drugs, guns, and tobacco. But you know what's funny? You don't have to give a f*** about prices, now that you can legally grow it yourself. The trade off will be pretty good. We've eliminated crime, murder, underground crime rings, made weed healthier and more regulated by the government, and dropped prices for all the junkies around the world.

This notion that "Weed is the Cure" originally came when I was talking to a friend in the cafeteria about pretty random stuff. We talked about the dangers of having high or low blood pressure, and the negative long term effects of it. The topic shifted to brain aneurysms, and how undetectable yet lethal they were. And then I came up with the idea of everyone smoking a lot of pot to relax tension in the blood stream, because Alex is a unique little boy that thinks in his own special little way.

Anyways, everyone go get really high so you don't drop dead because of an aneurysm.

Preborn Legal Documentation

This post will be dedicated to a very special girl that I have yet to understand in all her odd quirkiness, for she was the (really really really) awesome brains behind this week's topic. The horrors of plagiarism! D:

And no, it's not Lady Gaga. The girl's not that weird. I hope.

Wouldn't you love it if someone came to you when you were a wee little toddler and said "You know what? Life f***ing sucks". You'd then proceed to bawl your eyes out because you're a little sheltered 4 year old sack of meat. But you know what? Now you don't have to spend the next 80 years learning about how unfair it all is, and coping with blatant injustice and assholes for the rest of your life.

You see, the genius in this would be the fact that you can now crawl on your little chubby legs down to the basement. Enter daddy's secret hidden closet of toys, shuffle through the magazines of naked people hugging vigorously, and pull out the 9mm.

"Well, there's really nothing much left to anticipate now"

says baby you, who will then proceed to make a Van Gough on the wall with your bodily fluids and vital organs.

Whoa. Why so dark, Alex? I always am. I'm not listening to too much screamo.

Hey, here's a better thought. What if we did that, except to foetuses? Shove a tube up a special place to open up a channel of communication to the person directly (I know what you're thinking, shutup, foetuses are very linguistic beings). What if we could let them know that they're being born into a dystopia, long before they actually are? Now that would be a huge convenience. It'd save the mum the trouble of pushing the person out for 19 hours too. It'd be practical. Because that's the premise of this whole site. Practicality.

The baby gets to sign a contract, saying that they'd been warned of all negative repercussions of being alive, and that they can no longer say that no one told them that life is this unfair. If they say they'd like to be born, the super cancer machine thingy will pop them out right away. If they say otherwise, apply the uterus punch immediately for maximum chance of miscarriage.

PROS:
-saves the world one insecure toddler, one bitchy preteen, one angsty teen, one depressed youth, and a quadruple shopping mall murder-suicide
-saves the world the food, space, materials, and effort wasted for said person
-saves the person a life of discontempt in our broken materialistic "democratic" capitalist system full of judgement and marginalization of unique people

CONS:
-birth rate will drop to about 1 baby born for every 700 fertile females
-labour and production will drop by about 99%
-GNPs and GDPs will drop by about 99%
-quality of life will by drop by 99% (in terms of the human development index)
-technological advances will cease
-cultural advances will cease
-city projects will cease, such as expansion of transportation infrastructure
-humans will cease to be the dominant species of Earth

So as you can see, it turns out this was the most brilliant idea ever. Why? Because we've just uprooted the hold of all those contributing to the system (pro life debaters, greedy corporations, corrupt politicians, global warming, an expanding population, declining resources, declining available land for development, declining ariable land, declining potable water, the wallflowers of society, the counter productive hinderence of imposing equality, materialistic value, and anti-social tendencies for starters), as the remaining (1/700)% of humans will scramble together in a dear attempt to hold onto life.

BUT. They'll all be humbled into cooperation and learn to take simpler values and morals on, such as the importance of self accomplishment and community, family, and friends.

Big Mac Daddy Mollusc's Monthly Subscription Service

I was talking to a friend the other day when we were at a restaurant. She was eating ice cream as if she had OCD, doing some freaky ass surgical precision in taking scoops out of it. I told her if she could ever put that much dedication in something not as pointless as eating ice cream, she could be really successful (she's super lazy). She said that what she was doing took a lot more precision than it looked like, and proceeded to insult me for being so meticulous in how I take photos.

OH NO YOU DI'NT BITCH. NOW U GON' GET IT.

At which point I began to nerd her out with things on aperture and metering and such. She said that photography was stupid because you couldn't make real money off of it, at which point I responded with the fact that I could take pictures of half naked women for Playboy all day and make loads of money and be the happiest dude in the world. She pointed out that the women wouldn't touch me anyways, seeing that I was just the photographer. To that I responded with the fact that I would have shitloads of cash with which to buy their company. She then said that once I got old, the women would be old and crusty and undesirable, while she would still have her ice cream no matter what.

And them BAM! I got this idea.

Don't you love how badly that last paragraph was constructed? Want me to fix it? Nope.

This will be targeted to extremely rich old white guys that want to get sum' 'o it on (pronounced AHH-WON) wit' dat. Every month, sorta like a magazine, a new woman will be sent to your home for residency as part of our premium packages. You see, you'll get older and older, but the girls we send to you every month will stay the same age (we're gonna need some more cancer foetuses).

Do anything you want with her, involving all sorts of kinky forplay and other acts of a sexual nature. This will be a convenience oriented thing, and we'll allow for rentals and online downloads as well (don't ask me how that works). One can choose from many lines, such as "Asian", "Ebony", and "Amputee Midget". Guess which one is our most popular line. ;)

Alright, first off! This isn't slavery, because hookers aren't people.
Next! The missus won't know, because all our bombshells come with lampshade camouflaging modes(it's really convincing).
Finally! She doesn't make sandwiches, sorry mates.

Wait, wait, where are you going? No! Wait! Come back! You can still sleep with her!

Dammit. Lost another customer.

Ching Chong Space Cowboy

Hey. I want you to play a little game with me. How much do you think NASA takes up in a year for it's operations? Go on. Think it over a bit.

About $19 billion. Sweet jesus, you could buy a lot of chili cheese burritos with that. Wow. I'm about to bump that up to about $200 billion.

Want to know why? Because that's an initial investment. The next year after that we'll be running about three bucks fifty, and that's just because George forgot to bring the WD40 and had to go down to Home Depot to get a can. "What is he talking about?" you may ask.

Bobby Lee. That is how.

If any of you guys have ever seen Bobby Lee (which I know you have, otherwise you're a terrible human being) doing any one of his infamous sketches on Madtv, it's farking hilarious. Who hasn't heard of Bobby Lee? The whole reason why Madtv even ran was because of Bobby Lee. Keegan Michael Key is cool too  though.

$200 billion will immediately be put forth to good use in actually making Cancer Baby Accelerated Fetus Growth a reality, with all the semen to be donated by none other than Bobby Lee (he's going to have a lot of fapping to do), after which all his children will be raised by NASA to be spacemen. Seeing that he's Asian, they'll all be insane super geniuses. Seeing that they're all mini Bobby Lees, they'll all be insanely funny to watch.

After all their formal training and science degrees, we'll set them off in the Uh Oh ! Hot Dog! shuttle and set up cameras everywhere so that we can watch the shenanigans that they get into up in space. One of them might come running out of the control centre half naked, covered in nacho cheese, and screaming about panzerottis. One of them might try their own rendition of the cameltoe while doing a spacewalk. One of them might accidentally urinate upon the flight control systems, leading the shuttle into an asteroid belt after getting really wasted on cheap sake. Who knows?

You know, I'm not really kidding around here. Bobby's done some insane stuff. Sorta like Flea. You know what, screw it, let's send Flea up with them and watch him dance around with a fleabass in his PJs slapping some funky beats to the shenanigans of Bobby Lee.

So after the first few stunts (and some REALLY shocked newspaper titles), people will start tuning in every Friday to check out what crazy ass shit NASA's up to next. The monumental advertising space in the one hour long highlights-of-the-week episode will probably be more than enough to pay off for all expenses of the program, with millions going in for seconds of a logo being popped. With the excess we can fund any other research projects that we may have, such as looking for life on other planets and figuring out where to haul our asses to after wasting Earth with nukes (you know it'll happen eventually)

Throw in the revenue from stupid little bobbleheads and knock-off DVDs and we've just solved the US debt crisis.

Hot damn, I'm on a roll! I've fixed climate change and the recession!