IDEAS-Do not publish or delete

door blades
elephant war skaters

Real life Harvest Moon
mexican sombrero rocketship to the moon
Cannon/catapult public transit system
Vertical cannon+wind suit public transit system
massive ass air conditioning unit to cool the entire planet
Carpet speed bumb

Peacock fighting technique

Chlorofoam glove diaper aid

Chlorofoam/ poison napkins to kill

chlorofoam burger

epic meal time smart ideas
holy rooster?
disalarming clock extreme

time machine that travels 5 seconds into the future
that retarded egg pita burrito thing

On The Net Monetary Potential of Prized Negro Fighters and their Relationship to Money

I shall impart infinite wisdom on the unique properties of prized negro fighters just because. It's not like I really enjoyed Django Unchained or anything.

NEGRO FIGHTERS, MONEY POTENTIAL, TRANSFORMATION OF FORMS OF MONEY, NEGRO FIGHTING CIRCUITS
The prized negro fighter is the base particle carrier of potential money. Seeing that variables are represented by arbitrary characters, let the prized negro fighter be represented by e− and money be represented by E. Prized negro fighters themselves, filled with their youth, brimming with frustration, carry potential money in their very violent beings due to their desire to survive and shine in the eyes of slave drivers. It's like some law or something, it's probably written somewhere. Negro fighters are sent through series of fighting rings, sometimes called circuits. Upon entering a fighting ring, their exhausted vigour is transformed into other forms of money by the vicarious slave drivers. This may be in the form of recognition, various gifts, or solvent forms of currency.

UNITS OF NEGRO FIGHTERS, DRIVER PICKING CAPACITY, RATE OF TRANSFORMATION OF MONEY TYPES, FLOW OF NEGRO FIGHTERS
Let's bring this up to a scale of large scale slave drivers, transporting and fighting negros in the dozens. Let's use an arbitrary number like 62 or something and call it C. That's a lot of negros being moved in and out of fighting rings.  Different slave drivers have different capacities to pick out prized negro fighters. Giving this a rate of, lets say a constant calibre per negro fighter, we can represent their ability to pick by the letter V. The tougher the fighting rings get, the slower he can push his negros through. Lets say the toughness is R and the rate at which negros can go through in a certain time interval is I. Upon making it through a particularly difficult fighting ring, a negro may expect a greater transformation of his potential money. They have only a limited amount of vigour, after all, and fighting negros is exhausting.

CANDY'S FIGHTING CIRCUIT LAWS
Some very smart man with a moustache figured it all out. The expulsion of each fighter happens spontaneously with the event of the inclusion of another fighter, so that the number of negros entering a ring is equivalent to the number of negros leaving. Following a negro through all of the fighting rings he has passed through, the capacity to pick of the driver can be found by finding the sum of potential money exhaustion of a fighter after he has travelled through the circuit.

Let's say that we have a very wealthy slave driver, one possible of entering and managing numerous distinct paths of circuits. He may only have so many negros, which will have to be sent off into separate loops and paths. The number of negros leaving his plantation will be equal to the sum of negros entering each individual loop of fighting rings, while the potential money possessed by each negro would stay constant in each path.

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That last paragraph is the unabridged format of how I figured out how Kirchoff's Circuit Laws work.

inb4 "You're fiiiiiiinissshhhhheeeeedddd"

The Freedom Gene

WARNING: This is crazy racist.

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Welcome class, welcome back to Advanced Genetics 201. Now that we've finished our chapter on Mendelian Genetics, we can start an interesting field of study that I know many of you may be looking forward towards - rare homogeneous recessive-allele linked diseases!

Let's start with a simple one... Hmmm... Oh, I've got it! What is the fundamental difference between America and Hitler?

...

It's all genetic, of course! Let me start with a case study, named Spectre- err. Pardon me. Specimen 1. Let's say that Specimen 1 is part of a nuclear family with two offspring, one of each gender. Now, if his father is from Austria and Mexico, while his mother is from Germany, what is the likelihood that he or his sister are 'merica-Hating Fascists?

Well it's simple, you see. From the ancestry of his parental generation, Austrian/Mexican and German, we can determine their genotypes. Remember, you must always base your prediction on genotypes, and not phenotypes! Being half Austrian (a former member of the Axis Powers), and half Mexican ('merica's little drug peddling brother), we can determine a genotype of "Ff" for his father. Being pure German, we can expect the mother to have a genotype of "ff".

Now, what is the homozygotic allele that determines whether or not one is a fascist? It is the Freedom Gene! The Freedom Gene, represented by an "F", is a dominant (MANIFEST DESTINY MOTHER F****ERS!... no seriously. Genes can do that.) allele present in all of America, Canucks, and tea-drinkers. This is due to the former two parties being direct descendants of Neolithic Americans. On the other hand, the Facism Gene, represented by a "f", is a homozygous recessive allele present in Nazis, Communists, terrorists, and uh... Specimen 1.

So, from what we learned from Punnet Squares, the genotypes Ff and ff create what ratio of phenotypes and genotypes?
...
That's right! The phenotypic ratio goes as follows:

    1 Facist : 1 FREEDOM FIGHTING MACHINE

The genotypic ratio goes as follows:

    1 ff: 1 Ff

That gives a 50% chance of a member of the first filial generation being a Nazi-Communist-'merica-hating-terrorist! Luckily for Specimen 1's sister, however, she was the other 50%. Yes, that's right, Liberty-Hope-Apple-Pie-9/11-Was-Bad is a FREEDOM LOVING AMERICAN.

Now, who were some other famous figures to have the Facist phenotype? Some other prominent members of society include: Walt Disney, Big Bird, "Pierce" from Community, and Rob Ford's right index finger.

Even more interesting is the effects of monosomies/trisomies in chromosome 69, the carrier for the Freedom/ Facism gene. In the case of a person having only one allele, individuals may experience severe depression, weight loss, and a lack of wanting to fight anyone. We call this condition being French. The phenotypes respective to the genotypes "Fx" and "fx" are named French Nazis, and dirty French people. As for trisomies, a very important person once had a trisomy for the Freedom Gene. You may know him.

Born to George Washington and Han Solo, Jesus was an influential individual with a genotype of "FFF"!

Pictured:
Genetic Selection at it's finest.

(warned you it was racist, bro cookie)
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Don't take personal offence, Specimen 1 and his immediate family. We still love you. <3

The Not So Awesome Hiatus

I think I need to take this time to rethink about what the hell exactly this blog was about for the past 50 posts of nonsense. I'll try to get it up by July 15th or so (which would mark the first anniversary of RRRAI! :O ).



-Das Snail die unt zwolf spulbecken Kevin is a Nazi.

A Rabid Squirrel is in Your Locker

Quick! It froths at the mouth and makes quite the ruckus! What are you to do about this small rodent jumping about in your personal depository?

Make haste, I say to thee! Wander down to thy friendly warlock of the funk down yonder, and make acquaintanceship with his magical being. A gift of rhythm and song shall do good. Should you now find yourself in his allegiance, you are to bring him to thy nuisance of fur and tooth, and seduce the beast!

Take it out now, ne'er fear. You need not worry, for this beast has been tamed. It shall be called to your presence upon the uttering of it's given title, Titmouse Green. Unto Green you are to bestow love, and nothing other so that you may find that one day it shall reciprocate relish of your own person. When this day comes forth, count the days to the first buds of lavender in the meadow down by the crick. Green shall be brought into this field where he will be sat down in a patch of subdued grass. With a flick of the wrist you are to launch an offshoot in his direction. Let this branch be great enough to give him a fright, but not so that you may injure his fragile limbs.

He flies! He soars! Into the air Green does rise, and truly risen is your small vermin companion! Over the shoulders and over the tail his crown rushes, you have taught him the first of the instalments in his craft!

To the towns and valleys and hamlets the three of you will wander. People will run rampant for Green, bringing with them the naive and the senile, and along with that, their merit. Golden merit that is, for Titmouse Green the rodent and Capricious Cootie the sorcerer will be fruitful in their expeditions to the remotest parts of the world.

I'm terribly sorry but I have to change tone from here on because the next half isn't very easy to write.

Yo dawg, then we be like, takin' the squirrel for some shit, you know? He be going up all over the coasts. West side, East side ain't gon' matter brah. Throw that little mofo into the cart and get his ass over to the next deal. We here to make the green! Hitch my ride up and tow the little f****er myself.

What's that? He's hungry? Throw in a leg of the good stuff, my most amiable negro friend, the moolah awaits us!


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So that's what happens when you leave me alone with a thesaurus for an hour to write a post.

Oh btw I hid links in the punctuation.

National Pencil Topper Width Regulatory Board

Times are dark my friends. In light of the recent economic downturn, I propose that the diameter of pencil toppers of all lengths be brought down 16% in order to save money on the expenses for rubber materials. This is essential, as pencil toppers are used widely across the nation for reasons spanning from writing to competing to see how far you can bounce one off a wall. We can save tonnes of material and energy in the production process, and drop costs so that education can become more affordable. The cost of education is too damn high, as a single student can be expected to go through tens of pencil toppers in their entire life. If you do the math, then you'll realize that you're spending money on these materials. And money can be exchanged for burritos, so you don't want that happening, losing your money to overpriced pencil toppers.

But today I come to you in hopes of speaking of a topic much more dark, a topic foreshadowing this writing piece as the major reason why I propose these regulations. This reason would be pencil topper adultery. You may snicker, but we all know how dire this is. Pencil toppers are casually being taken off pencils and replaced upon others, without any regard for the flow of the system. We can not allow people to simply remove and replace their pencil toppers upon other pencils this freely. Even if they do have bright colours and interesting shapes.

The interiors of these toppers are notched for a reason - to prevent the topper from sliding off the pencil. There is reason behind this in the fact that once a topper and pencil are bound together, they should never be split. Just like first love, once the two join, they are to be soul mates until either degrades from extended use. These two may be in union so long as you are not to taint their sanctity. Repeated removal of pencil toppers may lead to wearing away of the interior of the eraser or dislodged pencil ends, leaving the respective part unfit for service ever again. It's important parts have been ruined effectively, leaving them as sad lifeless husks of what could have been.

That is why I propose the National Pencil Topper Width Regulatory Board's creation, so that we may bring about reform and save these poor sticks of wood and rubber slabs. Upon the death of one of the halves, the remaining party of the pair is to be immortalized in The Bottom Of The Drawer. You are not to take another eraser topper and plop it down onto the remaining stub of pencil, or put the worn eraser topper on top of a new pencil. Because, you see, once we transgress in such a fashion, it opens up a gateway to other acts of unspeakable treachery.

Soon people will back out on other promises, such as politicians (they already do that) lovers. They'll walk out on eachother when they see fit without a second thought.

Military planners? "Oh watsup bro cookie, it turns out we are invading you now".

Taco Bell employees. "NO! I say when the time is to serve you, and the time is not now!"

And when we don't have our cheap Mexican food, what do we have left to live for? For the sake of the Crunchwrap Supreme, Stop Pencil Topper Adultery now!

The Time Turn(s for everyone except you)er

Get ready for an extra large serving of ramblings with a nice creamy sauce of Durp.

~~~

FADE IN WITH A SPINNING ARC, PANNING PIVOT ABOUT MAIN CHARACTER, PEDESTAL DOWN, TRUCK IN. CHEESY ASS CHARACTER  THEME PLAYS.

(You’re gonna need a shit load of rollercoaster tracks to get this dolly camera)

Nothing goes to plan and a domino effect of epic fail plays out in front of you in slow motion. A pretty girl is crying before you. Your best friend looks the other way with a look of disgust and leaves you. You’ve tripped and an oversized burrito full of molten nacho cheese is flying through the air, about to hit Robert Downey Jr. and ruin his crisp white shirt, bringing to an end any chance of you landing your acclaimed breakthrough performance on a Broadway rock opera about Harvard cheese vampires invading Amsterdam’s Red Light District to take back the Provolone encrusted brown jade pendant that was stolen from the Queen of Bangkok…-ia. Worst of all, the last serving of chicken fingers in the café just sold out. May Dan Harmon have mercy upon our souls.

BUT THEN! The nuclear silo explodes behind your back The heroine pulls out the diary as the scarlet sun sets The rain starts to fall around you and your soulmate You lamely pull out a pen shaped apparatus and click down on the top.

Everyone in the room freezes on the spot. You walk over, grab a chicken finger off some random bloke and eat it. Then you walk in between Johnny Depp and the burrito, take a ready stance, and leave your mouth left agape, ready to receive His Great Beefy Blessing (wink wink). Clicking down once again on the pen-looking-thing, the burrito comes flying into your mouth. From behind you, Johnny Depp exclaims “OMG YOU JUST SAVED ME FROM THIRD DEGREE MEXICAN FOOD BURNS! +∞ supermodels, sports cars, moneys, and fames to you!”

CREDITS ROLL

~~~

That obscure Community reference aside, I think we’ve all had one of these moments. You see, thanks to the power of bad storytelling, cheap cookie cutter plots, and seizurificly cheesy camera work , I’ve effectively masked my next conspiracy theory, and it's all about that stupid pen thing.

For decades now I’ve been secretly feeding all of you liquid nitrogen mixed with microscopic DVD copies of Pirates of the Carribean - On Stranger Tides. These deluxe edition CDs, with their unique property of having an ionic charge of “holy fuck why is this so bad”, effectively neutralize the whole freeze-off-your-ass part of the liquid nitrogen.

None of you knew that it was in there. It all goes back to the Great War. Materials were running short and we had to get all the cotton we could. Without any of you knowing it, we planted agents into all of the cotton producing plants around the nation. They spent decades of their lives contributing to this great cause. By the end of the 1960, we had agents in the top circle of every single cotton conglomerate on the face of the planet. And then, we started meddling with the bleach mixes. We added paint thinner to all of the cotton marked to be used in female hygiene products, and watched the chaos ensure. 


Over the following decade all the young prepubescent girls developed high concentrations of paint thinner in their hoohahs. All the adult females were affected as well, and thanks to kinky promiscuous love making being so popular, many of the males were exposed to high concentrations of paint thinner as well. So it's kind of our fault that hippies exist. 


Around this time, I approached Walt Disney. "What if I told you that I have a way to make millions around the world fall for your cheesy films? The next thing you know, we've got exclusive rights to produce POTC and several million dollars to spend on liquid nitrogen.


Back to the toxic wombs.Upon birth, children of the 70s were just smothered in paint thinner. Causing much brain damage, these children had extremely low IQs (it's starting to make sense, eh?). These incompetent people and children were disillusioned with something called animal rights and healthy eating. Thinking that cows with feelings were in need of saving, and that sweetened sugary plant milk would make them skinnier, people started buying soy milk. Over decades, the magical tainted juice of my creation filled the cells of the hippies, and their children well into 2012.


Soy milk? Of course we mixed the liquid nitrogen/Johnny Depp compound into soy milk. The whole field of genetics was a cover up while we were learning how to suspend microscopic DVDs in soy milk while keeping the appearance homogeneous and the flavour light and refreshing. No one suspected a thing, because soy milk seems so innocent and pure. And NOW, with the power in my hands, I can release clouds of pretentious movie critic nanomachines to enter the blood stream and corrode the copies of Pirates of the Carribean so that the liquid nitrogen freezes EVERYTHING over.

Because, you see, in 2014 I missed the live series finale of Community. On my way to the TV I was blinded by a flying chilli cheese burrito that went flying through my window. I was devastated, what was there to live for now? I considered ending it all. But when I held the gun to my mouth, I hesitated. What if there was a way? In 2020 when the time machines first came out, I went on a one way trip to 1914 to start this great big scheme, so that when the fateful burrito flew through my window in 2014, I would be ready to sacrifice myself in the name of Dan Harmon.


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And that is what you say when you're an 125 year old breaking into a teenager's house to steal their PS3 and you're caught. 

A Meyerification of Life

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That ring is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That puppy is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That man is ugly.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That tree is ugly.

Hey, a shiny cardboard box! Look how shiny it is! Look at it! Look at it!

That's a somewhat accurate rundown of what my train of thought was running through one morning last week (so like the start of February?) when the weather decided to stop being such a pussy and actually snow half a centimeter. In the aftermath of the devastating several mm of precipitation that Toronto was bombarded with, there was actually a pretty decent layer of frost covering some random objects on my way to school. Like the grass. And the sidewalk. And a random cardboard box I just happened to see. And damn, that was one really attractive cardboard box.

It makes sense, people have urges. All kinds of urges, whether it be for money, procreation, or Mexican food. I know I've played out on a good two of those three things. Go on, guess which it is.

Don't know? Yeah, I don't feel like I need money that much. *wink wink* No. Uhh... Back on topic.

Among those urges would be the primal redneck instinct -wait. Sorry. That was politically incorrect. The primal Southern folk instinct to be attracted to shiny things. And you know how you make stuff that isn't particularly shiny become shiny? By glazing it in extra nice stuff.

In this case it would be frost. Why are Froot Loops so damn tasty? They're not, you just think so because it's glazed to look shiny (or at least smooth on some parts). Why is Robert Pattinson making so much damn money sitting in front of a camera with a toned CGI abdomen? He's not, it's not the body, it's the glitter. You're attractive to his shininess. And finally, why do we seem to be so damn attracted to Apple products? It's not because they're innovative smartphones anymore, Android surpassed them in that already a while back. It's because the glass casing makes it shiny.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, and eyes, and hips, and stomachs, and thighs, and anywhere else strippers may like to apply glitter; for we shall craft a great new land today. A land known as South'rn Idaho Moonshine County The Bopping Cowgirl Gentlemen's Club Daytona 500 Supreme 24/7 Canada Mk. II, and in it there will be no prejudice! No injustice! Neither will there be poverty, nor fear, nor strife, nor any of these unpleasantries! You see, in this vast land of beautiful glittery people and things who sparkle, no one will ever be called ugly, hideous, or visually displeasing again! And through that, we will achieve full synonymity in our perfect sparkly outer selves, and no longer shall we be shackled by the chains of well rounded characteristics or bright personalities! All will be equal in our shallow, superficial ideals of the perfect person. We must...

The Greater Good

Everyday you see people with nice things. They want nice things. They search for nice things. And they envy other people with nice things. But you know what? It's not about just you or your nice things. It's about the community, and making it so that everyone can have things just as nice as yours. If everyone contributes to get nicer things, then everyone will get nice things, including you.

And this will be the message sent across to all those who succumb join the almighty Church of the Snail. Because you see, only when people realize that they must give to the community will they open up their wallets hearts to the church community. Every Sunday, my slaves disciples will gather under the great shell of knowledge, our symbol of the church, and put in their monetary donations to go towards the church and it's services provided, such as teaching the importance of sharing and giving to your masters peers. This monetary donation will teach people to live simpler lives; lives built around friends, family, moral values, and... not really much else. It turns out that the nice things aren't really the things you buy.

All shall acknowledge the Great Shell of Knowledge!

Taking their money is vital to the cause. You see, only then can one ascend to the great state of joy and happiness that is eternal. Such perpetual enjoyment is only viable when the people learn to live off of nothing and appreciate all the extremely small little things.

After all, there is but one great figure that watches over all of us, and there is just one great figure that you aim to please. This would be Father Mollusc, the founder of the Church of the Snail. He was the stingiest, cheapest man to walk this world. That man taught us all to live off of pennies a day and not delve into the horrors of materialism.

By the way, all members of this church must swear an oath of absolute faith (Christians...).

MJ is the Cure

This is insanely funny. The rest of the post will not be.

I personally support the legalization of marijuana. I don't use marijuana. I'm not a punk or a druggie either. To be honest I think dope smells like shit. Not the shit, but unprocessed shit. Feces. Excrement. I live in Scarborough, I would know the smell.

But you wanna know what I am? I'm an average citizen. And that means that I have a higher IQ than the collective IQ of all Canadian Cabinet and US Senate members combined (a trait shared by about every single other person in North America). And that's why you listen to me (since no one takes the politicians seriously anyways).

My biggest point would be crime related to marijuana, grow-ops, and illegal distribution. There are tons of people being arrested constantly for crimes related to these "offences", which leads to a hell of a lot of wasted police resources and other crimes, like murder. Why the hell bother cutting down on it? It's not toxic. It's not a gateway drug, but I'd probably much rather smoke marijuana than try to use cocaine or heroin. It's just as damaging as smoking tobacco or consuming alcohol, and it wastes just as much time that video games do in an angsty teenager with an Xbox.

It's a bit pricey, though, I'll give you that. A single spliff isn't as cheap as chocolate bar. But you know what? If we were to legalize it, people could be authorized to mass produce it on farms and such, leading  to better, cleaner, and healthier kinds of cannabis (like Hong Kong and opium). Of course the government will hop on board in an attempt to heavily tax it, which they've done with gambling, liquor, drugs, guns, and tobacco. But you know what's funny? You don't have to give a f*** about prices, now that you can legally grow it yourself. The trade off will be pretty good. We've eliminated crime, murder, underground crime rings, made weed healthier and more regulated by the government, and dropped prices for all the junkies around the world.

This notion that "Weed is the Cure" originally came when I was talking to a friend in the cafeteria about pretty random stuff. We talked about the dangers of having high or low blood pressure, and the negative long term effects of it. The topic shifted to brain aneurysms, and how undetectable yet lethal they were. And then I came up with the idea of everyone smoking a lot of pot to relax tension in the blood stream, because Alex is a unique little boy that thinks in his own special little way.

Anyways, everyone go get really high so you don't drop dead because of an aneurysm.