New Years Resolution App

This New Years I want you to think about something. What defined the last New Year? Was it staying up with friends to do the count down? Getting completely wasted on champagne? Reconsidering the events of the years past?

I’ll tell you what didn’t define it. Your resolution. Who even carries out those things? You give up before the 3^rd week is over, because at that point you go “screw it; there’s no gain in carrying this through”. But geniuses don’t need motivation to carry out their goals. They have good old fashioned shaming.

Introducing the newest app to come to Facebook; I call it resolution. You simply enter in your goals to come, whether they are big or small. You could try to stop procrastinating (like the other 7 billion people on the planet promised to do) or try to stop eating out at fast food chains as much. It doesn’t matter, since the sceptical judging nature of the first world citizen will call you out on it once you start slacking off on essays. Or shoving your face with McFattyGangBangs again.

But you may say:”but Alex, it’s not as if anyone knows that I’ve done such atrocities”! In that you would be wrong, as the browser bugs and insane privacy breaches already implemented on the Internet are more than enough to watch you. In your daily routine. Doing everything. Everything.

Never again will your friends look at you the same after you fail to progress on your goals for the 3^rd month running. Never again will you look at your own friends the same anymore once you realize they’re deadbeats going nowhere in life. How do you know that? Because they posted none of their goals online, which means they lack insight into the future. Because obviously everyone must use Facebook for every waking moment of their life. EVERYONE. Privacy is overrated anyways.

It’s not like you can object seeing that people have somehow been brainwashed into thinking that posting info on everywhere they’ve been and where they’re going is a great idea. We even have maps to make the stalker’s job easier. Truly the outlook humankind has never reached such an all time high before.

Note from Alex: Thanks to Henry for helping me fix up some problems that occurred thanks to the Chinese Firewall, getting this post out properly didn't run so smoothly.

The Big Fat Red Jolly Man Catcher

If you think about it, at this very instant there are millions upon millions of children in the world right now. And for each little one, a sad little elf has toiled for nearly a year to try to make toys for them. Considering that these elves are roughly 4 feet tall, as many sources report, and they have fingers about the size of bobby pins, they must get about one toy done every day or two, give or take of consecutive work. Along with eating and sleeping (if they even get to sleep) we're looking at a production rate of; very little per elf. For this reason I estimate his work force to be roughly 80 million strong. In comparison there are nearly a billion people in the world right now defined as hungry by the WHES... Damn! That is one big ass number! This leads into my next idea.

Every single wee 'lil granny is to knit one big ass pullover sweater each this year. Except they won't be giving them to their grandchildren, they'll be used to catch this glutinous elf launderer when he comes invading your homes on Christmas Eve. They'll be mounted under chimneys and mantles, with the opening facing upwards to anticipate the great big boisterous slave driver. Once he falls into this massive net of itchiness, he'll be overcome with a desire to scratch every inch of his ginormous sweaty festive body.

Before you know it by sun rise, he's scratched himself to the point where he's dislocated the pith of his dark core upon the den of someone's house. In other words, he skinned himself alive and bled out all over your nice rug. Anyways, we're gonna take this big cover and give it to Eddie Murphy. He will use it as a skin a la Buffalo Bill from Hannibal Lecter. Or sorta like Eddie Murphy as big ass Eddie Murphy from Norbit.

Anyways, leading his army of elves greater in number than any other current armed forces attachment in the world, he will convert the North Pole into a big ass bakery. Like, big ass bakery. Huge. Enormous. Grandoise. I like using big words. I'm assuming each elf can bake 6 loaves of bread each load. And about 12 loads an hour. For 24 hours a day. and 365 days a year. Before you know it, they've made a good 50,457,600,000,000 loaves of bread in a year. 50 quadrillion loaves is enough to feed each person on the Earth a few thousand times per day, let alone the billion "hungry" people. Of course elves aren't "humans" so they don't need food, sleep, or to live with dignity.

Considering how Santa is sitting on a big ass pile of money, with all the materials, food, salaries, health care, and scantily clad Christmas-themed prostitutes he has to pay for, we should have no doubts in being able to produce such figures. We have the space to grow the wheat on the moon, and the illegal immigrants to cultivate it. Maybe some of that cash can go into a cure for cancer rather than cartons of eggnog.

And thus the story, of how a young yellow boy saved the world and created an equilibrium of world peace and Swedish supermodels, ends.

Merry Christmas mates. :)

Braille Mood Undergarments

To anyone who has seen the dark wizardry magic known as a mood ring; it truly is a sight to be taken aghast from. This little bead of insanity has the amazing ability to change color upon the touch of a person, and display his or her given expression at the time of contact. Surely never before has such advanced technology existed!

...or maybe it just reacts to changes in room temperature.

Back on topic, It has occurred to me that not all among us have been gifted with it's impressive presence. I'm taking about the blind, as well as the color blind or those with disabled vision. There's no way that they could possibly understand the amount of excitement going on around this thing. It's amazing, sort of like watching a panda bear give birth to the tastiest most shiniest marzipan mollusc in the world. Okay... That was kind of random. Anyways, this next idea is dedicated to all those poor people that don't get to appreciate the funkin' trippiness of the mood ring.

A sensor will be rigged up to pick up room temperature, except maybe we can try to make it actually accurate this time about body heat to emotion ratios. A reactive substance (like those bad-ass non-Newtonian substances :3) will have a current run through it to make it bump up little granules, which will pop up through a mesh to form Braille characters that read out the user's mood. Similar to E-Ink in a sense. If a person were to rub this, they'd be able to "read" the person's mood. Not as cool, but it's a start.

So here's where it gets weird. While developing this idea, I also came up with the idea of entire articles of clothing being outfitted to change color based on mood. The thought behind this would be that dudes would be able to tell if their lady friends were in the... "mood"... upon a single glance at their... undergarments. Through this convenience guys would know when to try something out, and girls would be able to put people off from trying to pester them for... stuff. Notice I said "people" rather than "members of the grouping that is known to embody the characteristics of a male portion of a species". See, I'm respective in that way that I approve of many different views of life. And I'm totally not sexist either. Sandwiches.

So should a blind fellow stumble into bed with his lady friend, and he doesn't want to go to the awkward trouble of asking if she's... ready?..., he could opt out of this by slipping his hand over and reading her "mood" through these special undergarments. Hopefully he's enough of a ninja to not get caught by his lady friend with his hand upon her undergarments. Also it makes a great excuse in the case that he was reaching for something else.

Indefinitely this will be beneficial to all couples of any orientation, and not a stupid waste of money or a way to tell if someone puts out a lot. No one will be ridiculed or mocked for wearing one my innovative undergarments. Because that's what RRRAI is all about. Practicality.

Also, mood clothing thongs at the beach. Borat has never been so beautiful.

Plant Growth Limb Connections

I’ve always wondered about one thing. When people have their fingers cut off, you always hear about how they collect them to be reconnected at the hospital. How? When the body loses a limb, there ceases to be a nerve ending connected. How does the body know when and where to reconnect to the limb? My guess was some sort of chemical solution to make the cells start reproducing and mending, while they just hold the finger in place during the process. But of course that’s terrible because it’d never really line up properly again and you’d only retain some control of it, let alone even any control.

Of course here at RRRAI we don’t settle for the norm, so I‘m going to have to invent a new way to reconnect limbs. Should you ever one day receive one of these procedures, I’m sorry for your accident, but you can thank me personally for saving your precious little fingers. I like gummies and large wads of cash, keep that in mind.

This should work for actually any part of the body so long as you don’t bleed out first. You will be stripped naked and then smothered all over in a generous layer of cream cheese. Once that is finished you are to be profusely urinated upon by your nurse or medical care practitioner. Wait, no this isn’t some freaky food fetish film. Keep on reading. The presence of the cheese mixed with bacterial cultures will eventually lead to the growth of a thick layer of lichen caking the area. And here we have the concrete cementing for which the aforementioned chemical solution can be poured through without fear of any maladjustment. Sure, you’ll stink like a urinal and look something like Will’s dad from POTC, but now you get your finger/leg/arm/toe/eleventh finger back.

That last example? I dunno, some people are into weird stuff. 

Easy Bake Fetus Oven

To all those that are considering having a child at a young age:

Don’t.

It’s no where near as fun as you’d think it is, and the cute factor stops about 5 minutes in. I’m tired of suffering from your mediocre parenting (also known as babies wailing in public). It’s completely your fault that you’re a terrible parent with no foresight whatsoever.  Your 10 pound meatsack is no excuse for you to be an annoyance in the public, nor in restaurants, nor amusement parks, nor crammed into public transportation.

Here’s the idea; individual packets of baby making kits will be mass marketed for use in the Easy Bake Fetus Oven. No, you’re not gonna cook the kid. I’m just too lazy to come up with good names. Just pop the little packet into the “oven” and it’ll do the rest.

After being incubated for about 5 minutes (see the cancer baby post...), out comes a full grown screaming ball of angst. Your own little defecating bundle of joy. Of course this will be a non-safe form of cancer (as opposed to my magical “safe” super growth cancer), so the baby will die within 12 hours max.

It’ll be marketed to little girls, just as the Easy Bake Oven is, but the real campaign will be for sensible parents. It’s a shock campaign, designed to scare the s*** out of little kids so that they don’t have babies ‘till they’re actually ready.

What 7 year old doesn’t love taking care of a bloody newt of a child in a placenta as it slowly chokes in it’s own fluids, courtesy of poor parenting? See the realism of jaundice and alcohol-induced deformities before your very own eyes. Realize that you don’t have the resources nor the time to take care of your brand-new hardcore Tamogatchi, and watch it suffer in pain for its short existence.

It’ll be a bigger stopper of teenage pregnancy than Call of Duty.

The Forgetter

So here I am up past midnight, which is actually a bit abnormal for me. I don't do so well with sleep. And lately I haven't been getting that much. I have to admit, most of it is because of the guitar and being anxious about projects, but there has been something in the back of my mind for quite a while now. A very long while. Too long.

There's always going to be someone or something you want to forget. An event or an outlier that makes you feel self-pity. To just abolish it from your memory, without any second thought. Whether you may hate them or have other reasons to want to forget them, it plagues the mind and obstructs other thought and proper function.
You can't explain why you can't forget it or them, and this annoys you. You want to. But you won't. It's been annoying me for more than a year, fluctuating in frequency throughout the whole span of my torment. I thought I did a good job of repressing it, considering I kind of forgot of it completely. Homework probably did that. But now it's resurfacing and filling me with discontent.

This post may be an outlet. On the inside it feels a bit like a plea for attention. But I know it's not. There is only one way to deal with this nuisance, to rid yourself of this luggage that weighs you down in all that you do and all that you try to be.

Don't do anything. Confront it and come clean with yourself. Just as I have. Yes, you screwed up, so move on with it. It won't matter from now on.

My only personal post and the only one that I will ever let myself write. I just want to be able to sleep normally again...

//Edit:// Or drink a lot of booze. That works too. I had to bring this post back up. :P

Hovering Keyboard

The idea of a hovering keyboard may sound cool to you because you'd imagine that the individual keys would hover above the body. But when it comes to Really Really Really Awesome Ideas you gotta think out of the box. This invention is not a keyboard with floating keys, but a floating... everything. The entire body of the keyboard has some sort of freaky leprechaun magic making it hover about a foot above the ground (I'm not sure if I should make it magnetic or have it blast air out the bottom).

You just calibrate the board to your bodily weight along with any possessions you may have upon your person, and the weight of your hip/back mounted computer. And voilà, you can now multi task by typing up e-mails, instant messaging, playing computer games, or writing Really Really Really Awesome Ideas while being on the move.

You may ask "but wait, if you're standing on it then how do you type?". The balls and heels of your feet would make certain keys spam into whatever word processing program you have open. Fear not, for the keyboard will have an algorithm filtering the input to make it go from "ffsadfqjkqadrsfwsgsdewaflsdvstwkrwssdpfajkldfas10l1sf;lg" to "My good acquainted companion Tyrone, may we haul our buttocks to the general direction of the clubs at precisely 8 'o clock pm today so that we may take on the endeavour of finding members of the opposite gender with which we may procreate.".

Once my idea is approved for sale on the market I will begin working on newer models that can be used in all kinds of situations. I can make a snowboard variant, a surf board variant, a toboggan variant, and of course, the sandwich maker variant. Do not question my logic. You can have cameras installed in so that you can Skype (because Live Messenger is for chumps) while riding and typing. The wind shear on the mic, awkward view of your trousers, and terrible lighting can easily be gotten around.

Can your stupid iPad do that?

Rule by Castration

You'll notice for this post my nonsensical writing style has been replaced by a more expressive motivated viewpoint. Will I continue with this? Probably not, since it will destroy the essence of this blog as it becomes just my ranting space (though no one even reads this stuff anyways :P), but I do feel that I have a lot of unease when it comes to injustice in society. Or maybe my opinions are to strong, I am pretty stubborn. ANYWAYS, to the post!

Everywhere you look crime is evident. There's some punk jaywalking on a major intersection bustling with traffic. You've got douches on highways doing illegal lane changes and nearly crashing into other innocent and careful drivers. Look away from the highway and someone just littered in the gutter, adding to the giant murale of garbage that testifies to prove our self-centred and selfish natural human behaviour.

Of course RRRAI won't stand by and let this happen. We're gonna hit the largest and most influential group of the population (apart from those who enjoy Lionel Ritchie) with this one. The males. What's that? Did you just mutter "sexist"? Well, nothing you can do about it if it's the truth. Anyways, dudes have one thing and one thing only that influences their logical thinking and decision making; their junk. Their package. Their sausage. Disco stick, meat rod, whatever disgusting profane way you like to say it, there is nothing you can do to scare a dude more than threatening to lop it off.

Wanna flip some poor old lady the bird? You lose 'em. Wanna try to cheat your taxes? You lose 'em. Wanna leave your dog's poop in the park without scooping? You lose 'em. Wanna blast poorly produced rap music from some untalented artist that thinks he's the shit because he came from the ghetto? He ain't fo' real, you lose 'em.

Some may say that the severity of this punishment is beyond cruel and unjustified. All those under 21 will be exempt from said punishment, instead being sentenced to work as the one who drops the knife on the criminals. Yeah, because to an immature adolescent nothing is worse than seeming as if you're gay. The judging majority of the public will start tropes about homosexuals trying to get into the service on purpose to see some dude's wang. That's not discriminatory, stop being a whining sheltered princess. I'm not stereotyping homosexuals, i'm stereotyping those who bash them. It'll happen, just look at todays peoples attitude towards them.

Here we have the basis of one of the most practical legal systems in the world, but we've left something out. Women. How do we punish them? With the supposed radical beliefs of female empowerment and a good chunk of today's female youth saying that they don't plan to ever have children. Not like the have any 'nads to take, do they?

There is just one way to solve this. Throw 'em in jail, make 'em grow and pair, and CHOP. Problem solved. :) Hoho, I broke out of the negative aura. This post was written over the course of what I think has been 2 weeks? I've been trying to dial this back in seriousness as far as I could, but I don't know what happened, it's still coming out a bit pushy. A bit too American in style for my tastes.

Special Day

Guess what today is? Not Remembrance Day, but Remembrance-of-when-people-still-gave-a-shit Day! Haha! Deadpan inappropriate humor! (Looks like another serious post)

No really, it is a bit unfortunate on how the day is overlooked these days. Anti-war activists will say it supports conflict. Today's adults probably don't even give it second thought. Yes, you've worn your poppy, but what does it mean to you? You dropped a dime into a small collection bin and pulled it out of the box, straight from the presses, off the conveyor belts. What does a minute of silence mean when no one is thinking for those who've fought? The youth of today wouldn't care, after all there is no tangible result to them.

To them. Within their lifetime they have not seen strife, nor abuse, nor devastation. They're born into a world with the numerous Human Rights charters guaranteeing their freedom (with the exception of "terrorists", damned 'mericans). Of course I haven't seen any of this myself, as I'm just a spoiled angsty teen in America (sorry, the "independent nation" of Canada).

My big problem is probably how the video game industry has started cashing in on the glamour of armed conflict when in all seriousness, and more than enough people have gone on about this, it is nothing to celebrate.  To be honest, I like a bit of a quick match of fragging every now and then. But then, to me it is nothing but just a quick little fun competitive contest and nothing more (see: MLG Leagues...those guys make me sad, but I won't go on a tangent...).

To counter this problem I propose that we play a little game similar to that of wife swap. Every single able bodied child within North America is to be swapped with one in one of the numerous hot zones around the world, such as on the Sinai Peninsula, Kashmir, or the no mans land between the Koreas. They will be forced to undergo any and all of the procedures currently going on in those areas (and I assure you that it'll be a lot worse than a 1 week Xbox ban). Assault of the physical and verbal kind, deprivation of sleep, food, and basic mobility, and a very stern talking to whenever they track mud into the shack will be delivered when just. Or whenever their captors feel like it. Which might be always.

Afterwards upon their return they will no longer have anyone to bitch to about minor annoyances since they've already seen how much worse it could be. And maybe they'd even pitch in a quarter for the veterans every year.

Wait, what? No, that's silly! I didn't struggle to push this post out, it's perfectly fine...

Elephant Gangster War Skaters

So far on this blog I've talked about nothing but ideas that would somehow benefit our society (though some people may disagree with a large number of them). Here I'm going to paint an image of an apocalyptic future that I think is several million times more likely than the belief that we're all going to somehow die at the end of 2012. I'm not exaggerating that figure, screw the Mayans with their supposedly all-knowing calender and Hollywood with their attempts to make a few bucks off of the hype.

You hear stories about the poor African elephants getting a hard time from poachers and hunters. But if we were to continue protecting them like we are right now, this could become our fate. Should all elephants be seen as equals to humans the world of crime would become completely indistinguishable in how ruthless it would be, once elephants are integrated into society with the rest of us humans.

Their inability to forget would make calling a hit a non-negotiable death sentence. Their strength in numbers and great teamwork skills could create some of the largest and best organized crime syndicates the world has ever seen. Their tough hides could make small arms fire useless against them. The ensuing firefights between rivals could leave dozens of human bystanders dead in the cross fire seeing that hundreds of shots would need to be fired to kill a single elephant. That and they don't have thumbs so aiming would be pretty tricky.

This idea is a joint imagining of sorts, with half coming from a good friend (Elephant Gangsters) and the other half coming from Henry (Elephant War Skaters). The apparent speed and agility of the elephant coupled with hip in-line roller skates from the late 70s could make legions of elephants near impossible to defeat. Once the elephants figure out that we're inferior as a race they would unify as a species in an all-out world war against humans where squadrons of skater elephants cavalries would sweep through neighbourhoods killing all humans in their wake. The only thing that could stop them would be explosive ordinance, rocket propelled grenades, anti tank rifles, and artillery. But of course the genius Americans would bring out the nukes seeing that their over-budgeted transparent security would fail to prevent an ultimatum of whether or not to let bombs fly on home soil.

While other warmer nations would fall one by one to the skating elephant menace, Canada would be the only surviving nation. Not because we're cold, since elephants would figure out how to knit and make sweaters for eachother. Not because the snow would slow them down either, since they would weave snowshoes for eachother too. It's because of one fact and that sole fact only: elephants don't like Jim Carrey's movies.

Toaster Fax Machines

A lot of people living in homes normally spend their mornings with a routine of brushing their teeth, bathing, and eating breakfast among other things. One common thing would be to go out and grab the mail. Why not convenience an entire overweight continent by making that 10 second walk non-existent? Introducing the toaster fax machine, not so much an invention as it is an innovation. Every morning when you're stuffing your face with lard, butter, and your light snack of bread you can have your letters printed out through the toaster too!

The letters and mail will come out along with the toast, being ejected out of the toaster to land on your plate along with your meal. I'll figure out the launch trajectories later, I'll just outfit the plates with a sensor or something. By having the meal go to you rather than you go to it, I'll be saving millions of people the chore of going outside into the outdoors in their night gowns, PJs, and bunny slippers. This means that several calories can be saved each day, making your glutinous existence a little nicer.

This system can also be outfitted with a WiFi printer for it to access your e-mails and print them out for you. If you don't like your electric bill you can eat it along with the toast and blame the toaster for sticking the paper to the bread, giving you an excuse for having paid it late. Wire money to your friends easily too!

I'm out of pros for this so this concludes the post.

Jello Mould IEDs

So I was thinking of making a post either related to sports or the military. I rode the train of thought for a bit, and came up with nothing. But then the Resistance 3 beta came along and inspired all of this.

Factories will stop building all artillery, ammunition, vehicles, and armor in favor of a buttload of plastic explosives and jello. Yes, I just said jello. An overwhelming number of combatants from America and Canada have been killed by roadside IEDs, in numbers far greater than that of actual firefights. If it's working well for them, why don't we give a shot?

Large delicious molds of lime jello will be crafted around 6.9 pounds of plastic explosive ready to be primed and set off on the field. Why lime jello? Because it's super tasty. And why 6.9 pounds? I actually don't know, but back to the awesome idea. 

The moulds will be built into the shape of an amorphic human-like blob. It will then be dressed up either as a news reporter, or given XXXL AE jeans and a Hawaiian shirt to attract the attention of any Taliban militants. They will then be tempted to approach the blob to either kidnap it or attack it, as it's back will be always turned to them (they'll mistaken the folds of gelatin for the glutinous backside of an American). The failsafe mechanism here to prevent civilian casualties is the fact that most Americans are dicks, and regular people wouldn't want to be anywhere near them unless it's with a rusty AK47 and a combat knife. Oh, did that come out offensive? I don't hate all Americans, there are the occasional friendly well-mannered couples and the elderly.

Anyways, by dropping these buggers off near suspected hideouts all over any combat zones that the Americans might face, a serious number of enemy casualties could be achieved. It's both safer and more cost effective than the current battle plan, since all you need to do after it's been dropped off by plane is to have a redneck sit at a distance and wait to detonate the explosives.

Drunken Trombone Master Technique of the Flying Flügelhorn

While my trombone sensei (otherwise known as Paul <3) may not agree with this method of playing the trombone, I think that I should follow through and ensure that the master technique be developed and prepared to be passed down our lineage of great tromboners. Don't ask why I underlined that.

Anyways, as most of you should know, brass instruments are played by manipulating your facial muscles so that you can "buzz" into a mouthpiece to create a vibration that resonates and is amplified by the instrument. The tighter you squeeze your lips, the higher pitched it comes out. The looser it is, the lower the pitch. When it comes to trombones it should be clear enough that we dwell around the lower registers. While some have learned to regulate their breathing and relax their facial muscles to go to notes two or more octaves below Middle C, there are those who (like me) strive to go lower for that beautiful dirty sound.

Alcohol can help, after all it's definitely proved itself to be a useful substance throughout the course of time. By taking a certain number of hits of alcohol, tromboners should theoretically be able to relax themselves to varying degrees of calmness in order to hit much, much lower notes. Sorta like, uh, that drunken kung fu guy from Virtua Fighters 5. Right, Wikipedia says his name is Shun Di. Go youtube that if you want.

Anyways, you could have the light buzz that makes you go down to a low C rather than the usual E, or the complete wasted that should be able to make you hit insanely low Fs (provided that you don't pass out). Who needs tubas and baritones when you have the Drunken Master Technique?

While neither I nor my sensei are alcoholics, we should be able to make the exception this one time.

The Ed-jew-ma-cator

In response to the recent passing of my Kumon instructor, I decided to write up this post. While I didn't know him that personally apart from the time I spent at my centre, it does seem fitting to acknowledge such an unfortunate occurrence somehow in some way.

Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where at one point some important science-y looking dude will put a brain impulse sensing helmet or mat thingy on someone's head to pick up on brain activity according to emotional sensation or reaction to certain things? Basically it's like a ridiculous looking coaster/doily on your head. Now imagine that on the position of each of those little joints, there is a mini pseudo-oil rig looking contraption that in essence taps into the neural networking of a human by force. This is to be called, the Ed-jew-ma-cator.

After the device is put into place (a process I'm guessing takes a few hours), several pounds of calculus and trigonometry exercises and Shakespeare analysis are to be blended with water to create a thick pulp of knowledge, and tedious but somewhat fruitful self-learning. Concentrate this over the course of a few days so that it is ready to be implanted into the pupil through the Ed-jew-ma-cator to ensure that he remembers (it'll be physically forced in, it better sink in...). Of course this is assuming that there are no complications with the multiple puncture wounds to the skull.

Through these helmets the school system could be sped up in average duration and efficiency by several thousand percent. Entire grade levels of information could be learnt within the span of a month, making it easier for pupils of all needs. Plus, it'll toughen up our kids so they don't complain about boo-boos on their big toe anymore. Hoorah for advances in edjumacation!

The Pore Plug

It is really annoying when you suddenly break into a sweat whether it be from exercise or the area just being to hot. This post is a bit personal to me, since I normally sweat from exercise that is neither vigorous nor physically demanding. I'll just suddenly start sweating when I'm not even feeling that hot. It's even more annoying when I touch something only to find out my palms suddenly started sweating while I was walking.

With the use of nanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres assembled into a gel, this so called "plug" will start off as a liquid. Just like syrup on a pancake (or whatever weird non-food related fetish you're into), you smother your skin with this weird viscous liquid. Give it a few seconds and some weird science-y mechanism in the gel will make chemical compounds start reacting with your skin to solidify the gel, kind of like a second skin. But the thing is that the superdupertinynanomicrosuperlongcomplicatedprefixthatmeanssmall fibres are so superdupertiny that they'll fall into place in your pores and clog them up, sorta like your bowels after eating 5 chilli cheese beef burritos at Taco Bell. This leaves the sweat trapped in the pores, leaving you dry and (somewhat) comfortable. When you want to remove it, you man up and rip it out like an animal.

There are no possible downsides to this since you don't really need to cool your body down to stop yourself from overheating. It's not like you're going to stimulate your heart to the point where it fails or anything. Heat exhaustion is completely unheard of here since the media is too busy reporting the tragedies of cats getting caught in trees and clearance sales at Staples than to report real news. If you can't see or hear about it, it doesn't exist right? Also it's not like it's unsanitary to have dirt and sweat trapped within your skin.

One last little thing that is a pro to this; should you do this while exercising the heat buildup will probably sterilize any male using the product. The amount of warmth will sorta cook your...whats a nice way to say this... TESTICLES to the point where all sperm is killed and you start shooting blanks. Wait, if the sperm exists but it's all dead is it a blank? I don't know. Anyways, you'll have a few hours to do whatever you want relatively safely, provided that the heat exhaustion doesn't make you collapse.

The Analog Waffle Iron Image Scanner

For those of you who are camera geeks like I am, this can be comparable to a CCD in how it works. With a CCD there is an array of individual photosensors that calculate light levels and run algorithms to tell the processor how to average out colour and luminosity in different regions of the photo. CCD panels are very sensitive instruments but in concept they are very simple in design. Or at least to me, since I put together like 6 pages of info on how they work on a Tech project only to change topics because going into such a level of detail on each component of the camera would force me to spend several months to-...you get the point.

Anyways, waffles are tasty. Real tasty. Really Really awesome too, but not so that it would outshine the ideas on this blog. They're so tasty that seeing a porcupine in a bikini grind on a rail made of licorice while using Justin Bieber as a board and then dismounting with a triple axel spin wouldn't seduce your mind from it's flavour. And that is the basis of this next idea.

It consists of a douche food critic with an adept palate and some really fast brain processing speed. The paper that you want to scan will have to be a standard 8x11, since waffles should never come any bigger than that, and be printed with ink or burned with a laser printer. 

If it was a laser printer, take a fresh hot waffle and smack it into the paper, letting it rub in for a second or two. Minute traces of the burnt paper will fall into place on the waffle and leave a slight alteration in flavour that our douche critic will pick up on. The same concept applies with the ink printer except obviously with ink.

He will proceed to insert the waffle into his mouth and assess the landscape of the waffle, finding pseudo-eddies where patterns of ink have touched the waffle. He will then paint out the original paper by hand, giving you a copy of the original script to give to your loved ones. Also did I mention that the scanner only works if the critic has renowned art skills? Well, I did now. We might as well throw an engineer and a politician into the mix of this man's fields of expertise.

The (other kind of) Master Key

So today (umm...the 19th since this is getting posted later than today) I forgot to bring my keys out with me when I left for school. Here I am sitting in front of my door, still slightly damp from the rain, and playing with Python on my notebook. At least I have something to do for the next couple of hours.

I've tried picking my own door's lock on multiple occasions (I used to forget my keys a lot), and of course that didn't work out. Library cards, bobby pins, and paper clips don't work as well as Hollywood would suggest.

This so called "Master Key" is about the size of a hidden pistol, so it ideally fits in your hand with the barrel protruding a bit farther than your palm. Wait, did I just say barrel? Yes I just did. Surprise surprise, it's a palm sized shotgun. The barrel would probably be about... .4 cm in diameter? It'll have to be about 3 cm in length to make sure you get a decent spread. But don't worry, through the magic of non existent nanotechnology and advanced ballistics I'll develop some sort of super duper buck shot that can obliterate tumblers in one go.

So obviously you slide the barrel in just like you would any other key and let 'er rip. Then all you have to do is pick what's left of the sliding lock from what's left of your door and enter. High end models will include a side mounted spare lock holder so you can patch it up once you're done.

The handy thing about it's size is that you can easily conceal it so you don't scare the pants off of some near sighted elderly woman with the vaguely pistol shaped master-key-explosive-lock-removing-shotgun. If you are to ever about to be mugged you can load it with some more potent buckshot to defend yourself. Make it incendiary shells just to be safe. With explosive ordinance packed in. And mini-EMP bursts (now that's how you think like a genius). Maybe this can be one of those god guns Henry was trying to invent.

The Back-To-School Wall

Summer means a lot of things for students. Among those things is growth. Growing bonds with friends, growing boredom,  growing bodies, and of course growing flabs of fat from sitting in your living room for 8 hours straight playing video games in the darkness while shoving your mouth with Cheetos. But more importantly growing bodies. Too many times have I gone back to school to have my friends remark "wow did you grow in the summer?".

No. The answer is no. It's always no. Want to know why? Because it was just 2 months, unless you're on some scary ass supersoldier diet you are never gonna grow that high in such a small period of time. Thankfully this innovation will help me out with dealing with these people.

Every school in the TDSB shall be equipped with a big ass wall. By methods to be decided later, they are to mark their general body shape into the wall. You could have a day where everyone goes out, lines up, and has their homeroom teacher mark their height on the wall with a little sharpie. Or maybe if you wanna have fun you can pave it with fresh concrete and have children propel themselves into the wall while it's still wet so that their imprints are immortalized once it dries. Notin wrong wit a lil knock to de noggin, a nit?

You could use the wall to see who got stronger based on how deep the imprint goes. You could see who got fat or lost weight (and who will appropriately be named the "sluts" or "bitches" if I have my female rivalry correct). And of course, you can correct those idiots that question whether or not you've gotten taller during the summer. After all, they all just got shorter...right?

Toronto's Municipal Defense System

So after all that talk about Rob Ford and his brother being douches, I've been thinking about something. There has to be something that they're good for in this city, right? Well I've got it. In the event of an invasion from the US, or Russia, or North Korea, or any of those shady Communist countries that our media tries to make us believe are scary, we'll have our very own defenses that could fend off attack on the city. And it puts Rob Ford to very good use.

Each cannon located at Fort York will be outfitted with valves to connect them directly to a pneumatic pump system located in City Hall. At the source of what is to be an immense amount of explosive force, will be Rob Ford's behind. Located near his right hand will be a massive stack of chilli cheese bean burritos and on the right will be a tub of molten lard to wash it down, ensuring that this bowel will be very, very irritable.

The massive amount of gas under pressure in these tubes should be enough to launch projectiles from these cannons all the way to China if we need it. More practically, we could use it to fling frozen turds at the Arctic Circle to keep those crafty Russians at bay. When political unrest becomes too great in the Middle East or the Korean border, we can load the cannons with ICBMs (wait, they aren't missiles any more if there is no missile attached, is there? lets just say warheads for now).

If there are any riots situated around the world, self sealing canisters of special made riot gas (also known as Mexican food flatulence) can be promptly delivered. If only I had thought of this before the London riots!

Cancer Baby Accelerated Fetus Growth

The idea for this was in it's conceptual stages when Henry asked me if it was possible to take cancer from one person and give it to another. So anyways, the process of becoming a mother is a real pain in the...uh...womb? I haven't done it myself but the idea of waking up every morning with the desire to vomit your intestines out does not seem very appealing to me. 

Luckily I came up with a solution while "brainstorming" (A.K.A. playing video games) with Henry. Whenever a woman goes to her local sperm bank from this day forth, we should have the sperm come in two flavours (look how awkward I made reading this become. :D ). Regular (maybe we should call it "Original") and Enhanced.

The Enhanced kind will have been exposed to some sort of radiation (I'm no nuclear scientist) for an exposed period of time prior to its use. Hopefully during this time the sperm will have developed cancer, but seeing that it is in dormant state I'm assuming that the disease won't start spreading and manifesting too soon.

After artificial insemination, the sperm will have become active and the cancer will make stem cells start being produced at a rate incredibly faster than usual (and the usual is already pretty fast), making the baby grow faster than it normally would.

Maybe it'll grow so fast that its brain will fully develop whilst in the womb and it'll come out not completely retarded. If we develop some sort of radiation that gives instant terminal cancer it could make the babies grow so fast that the incubation period could be halved. Maybe it could be a mere month. Or a week. If I can get this supercancer working maybe the baby will pop out of any female that the sperm touches. Hell should I know, after all we do have smartphones and 3D pornography now (oh, I went there). 

The next thing you know, DIY home kits for the male counterpart could be made where his own little soldiers could be collected and buffed up with the magical wonder of radiation (people used to think smoking helped with asthma, who could possibly question this). Black market variants of controversially awesome accelerated sperm could come into play, and Chinese ripoffs of the product could ravage markets around the world as it turns out that the sperm came with lead paint. Production factories could prove to be one of the awesomest jobs for rednecks as raw materials would need to come in constantly to keep the franchises running. Whores and prostitutes could be bumped up a notch on the social totem pole as product testers for supercancer babies become the new all time low, apart from being Lindsay Lohan. 

If you've actually bothered to read this entire post without being morally disturbed and disgusted by these ideas, good for you. I'm going to go to sleep now rather than continue talking about mutant ejaculate.

A little update: I think I found someone who got the idea before me. http://www.explosm.net/comics/1529/

The Jogger's Anti-Cramping Suit

A while ago I went jogging with Andi, which was my first time jogging in about over half a year. I just got too lazy and now I wanna try for swim team so I better get in shape.

Anyways, this suit would probably sound pretty scary to a lot of people. It's similar to Iron Man's suit, with the main difference being that instead of carrying heat it packs about several hundred mini syringes placed throughout it's frame. Each one is filled with concentrated a concentrated dosage of some of the dopiest weed you will ever find, designed to make your muscles go completely numb in the general area. Whenever you start feeling a cramp, the suit will pick up on the pain signals in your spine (oh by the way you need to shove a giant needle with a sensor attached into your spine) and proceed to inject a dose into the general area.

Because neuroscience has gotten that advanced (now shutup, it totally works). The only problem I see is that the sensors may pick up on the pain of a syringe being forcefully jabbed into your side, and trigger the syringes around that syringe to numb the pain. And then the ones around those ones go off. So pretty soon you will look like a very well aged piece of Swiss. Or maybe someone who just took a jog through a meadow of nails. Or maybe a piece of cheese that jogged through a meadow of nails. Your call.

Apparently you guys want photos with posts and I'm no artist, so you can go look at this photo and pretend that I made it. 
http://www.allpstrophies.com/trophies/the-hypochondriac-ps3-trophy-20369.jpg

An Innovation in Toronto's Transportation Infrastructure

If I could serve as the mayor I would overhaul Toronto's public transit completely. Instead of buses, light rail, and subways, I would set up several hundred really big slingshots around the city. It would cost the city significantly less money to maintain and operate as users could pull back the sling by themselves and a mechanism could be used to give them the freedom to fire. Maybe I'll call this invention a button. Anyways rather than having a several billion dollar Eglinton line, we could have a much cheaper network of stations where people launch themselves into the troposphere. After the initial installation no attendants would be needed and engineers would just need to come and repair broken parts when problems show (sucks to be the dude who found out it was broken the hard way).

Anyways, the slingshots would have the capacity to fire users up to 5000 meters into the air. People would need to bring oxygen canisters and wingsuits with them when using my system. They won't die at that height since some Indian dude went like 7000 meters and came out fine, and it is too low for large commercial planes to be a problem. I did some research and I found out that the glide ratio on a good wingsuit is about 2.5, which means that at maximum one could travel 12.5 km (assuming the land is flat) with one single launch. Of course for longer trips you could glide to another station and relaunch. I will probably space each slingshot out 5 km from eachother which means at most everyone should be about 3 and a half kilometres from their nearest station at most, which shouldn't be too bad.

Traffic congestion would be diminished in great amounts on the roads since people would just fly to work or school like a bunch of badasses. Our image to the rest of Canada will definitely improve when they see how safe our system is since the number of car related accidents will plummet.

If two people were to collide in mid-air during a glide, then my next innovation will come in handy. Everyone will be outfitted with an Iron Man suit so that they can glide on without trouble. Now don't say that we should just use the Iron Man suits instead, because jet fuel costs a fortune, and that would be silly. A cheaper alternative would be to lather everyone up in butter so that they slide off of each other.

My final point would be that those who are unhappy with their lives could use these as suicide booths a la Futurama, which would save us some high school shootings, and guarantee us a spot in newspapers around the world for offering such a convenience.  

Kangaroo Drug Runners

The global fight against the propagation of hard narcotics will be revolutionized after the implementation of this tactic in drug cartels everywhere. Henry has had the amazing and bright idea of using kangaroos to smuggle cocaine across the US and Mexican border. The genius behind this is that when the border guards search vehicles passing through, they'll never think of checking the kangaroo in the suspicious white van, but the people inside instead. Kangaroos can cover great distances on their own and can run the border while keeping a low profile easily, as they are not dark brown and do not eat tacos.

Though I originally thought that the hiding spot for the narcotics would be in the kangaroo's pouch (as any other pedestrian person), Henry quickly notified me that the kangaroo would have the crack shoved up its ass. I didn't bother asking.

Monkey Houses

So the other day my mum and I were chilling on the sofa when she noticed the Chinese Algae Eater in our fish tank cleaning the front glass wall of the tank. We started talking, and it led to birds taking dumps, and don't ask me how this happened but it somehow got to pet monkeys. It started off with the idea of buying a Capuchin monkey and renting it out as an animal actor for movies. Eventually the question came up of how you would have to shelter the monkey in your own home. I got these two ideas:

The Monkey Treehouse:

• Exactly as it sounds, this is a tree house big enough to let your monkey stand and stretch. The entrance would be similar to that of a birdhouse and could feature a pole for the monkey to stand on, maybe that could be like a porch. You could hang a hammock or a flag under the pole, I couldn't really care.
• This one requires you to be able to train your monkey to retrieve bedsheets from the treehouse every other night. If you don't it will get pretty nasty up there pretty fast. How you will do this I have not the slightest clue, as you would need to somehow get up into the tree with your monkey to properly teach it.
• Every night whenever the monkey gets tired it would just go to your backyard (you'll attract a lot of attention if it's in the front) and climb the tree to get into its little house. Sorta like a doghouse.
• Please don't raise the question of how you get it up there in the first place. 
• I came up with this one originally to deal with the danger of your monkey getting assaulted by dogs or the neighbourhood stray cat. If you want you can give your monkey water balloons to keep in that earlier mentioned hammock. If another animal or maybe a curious toddler were to approach the tree to try to get to the monkey, it could fire away with his urine filled bombs of fury. Oh, did I also mention that the balloons were filled with monkey piss? Replace with rocks for increased efficiency. Replace with rocks filled with monkey piss just for good measure.
• I also thought of the problem of weather. Not rain or snow, as it will be sealed and have a hood over the entrance. The problem is when lightning starts striking in the area, because you could have roasted monkey come the next thunderstorm in your city. Think you could put that in a burrito? Actually no, lets stay off that topic...

Wow, this is getting pretty lengthy. Posts seem to come naturally when I go into my retarded trains of thought. Haha, I can actually imagine that. Retarded trains of thought. A giant flamboyant pink cosmic train that travels through space, adorned with candy and unicorns. That makes sandwiches. Go look up Gears of Awesome on Newgrounds and wait for the train to show up and you'll know what i'm talking about.

The Tree Fortress

• I think of elves in the forest when I talk about this one. The difference between this and the treehouse is that in this example the monkey actually lives in the trunk and branches of the tree. Note that this has to be a REALLY big tree. You might want a lightning rod to prevent it from burning down. 
• The entrance will be at the base of the tree, and be similar to the door of a home from the Shire from LOTR. A small little door at the base, leading to a massive hollowed out (but somehow still living) tree. 
• Platforms and ladders will allow the monkey to move throughout the tree, and branches could form hubs and nexuses to certain wings of the fortress. Throw in some catwalks and platforms and it could be good enough to be a human's dream house (if we were all about eight times shorter).
• This is a very simple home in concept but the problem is that at this point it wouldn't really be practical to put in your backyard (wait, since when did we care about practical on this blog?). The home would be more suited to house several families of monkeys. Or you could get even more practical and just let the monkeys free to roam in their native forests.

Monkey actors make a lot of money.

The Boredom Machine

It's been about a month into my summer vacation and I am insanely bored. I'm not going out on any big trips, I don't go to summer camps, and friends are pretty spaced out from me. My thinking is that if I had one of these machines I could get through it a lot quicker.

This is a very simple machine in concept and I don't think it would take me that long to build if I was a mechanic or a carpenter or something. It's basically a giant comedic sized boxing glove attached to a piston that you use to punch yourself in the face with. Adjustments to the force delivered could result in different time periods of the darkened bliss of seeing and doing absolutely nothing.

The luxury model would include a well placed pillow on the ground behind you so that you don't crack your skull open on the way down. The pillow could also call an ambulance for you to help with the concussion and broken nose. Also my design plan for it involves it dispensing sandwiches.

Horizon Racing

I've come up with a new sport. It's simple, great exercise, and fun at all ages! It's called Horizon racing, and what you do is that two (or more if you wish) competitors start at the same place. On the count of three, the competitors will race towards the horizon. This could be by foot, boat, car, plane, you could swim at the beach,  there is no end to how many creative approaches you can take to this. The first one to reach the horizon wins! Very fun.

The Kenny Voicebox Changer

This is going to be a bonus post, seeing that it's off from the Tuesday/Friday schedule. Don't think that these will be regular, we'll only be putting these up in the days between the scheduled posts if we have an extra little random bit to put out.

So Henry finally bought a microphone so he can skype call and play on PSN with us without sounding like Kenny from South Park. I'm not even exaggerating that bit, you can hear him in some of the videos on my channel (it was like the cactus farms or water tower thingy) and you'll hear what sounds like a swarm of bees trapped in an underpass. Most unpleasant.

Anyways, this one is gonna be sorta like those Darth Vader masks that pick up your audio and drop it a few notes and add a bit of distortion. There will be two models; the one that distorts you so you sound like James Maynard Keenan (with audio quality so bad, it MUST have been imported from China!), and the one that repetitively bitch slaps you several times a second so that you words become muffled.

The number of practical uses for this are as great as the number of 5 dollar bills you find in those charity donation boxes at the mall or in McDonalds. Very few. I suppose you could use it in a reenactment of your favorite South Park episode (but that's nasty since almost every episode includes shit...look at Mr.Hanky) or use it to piss off your teachers by being physically unable to answer questions in class.

If you do find yourself walking down the street one day and you see one (it'll probably have been ripped off from our blog), do me a favor and buy a dozen of them. Hand them out to your friends, and go find Henry. Surround him and talk to him. About anything. It doesn't matter, because he'll know what it feels like to have to go through trying to understand you, just like we had to. I assume it'll be very awkward and embarrassing for him.

The Amazon Beaver Mafia

One day on a "field trip" in Geography class our teacher was talking about trees. I actually have no clue as to how it got to this but Henry brought up the question of what would happen if beavers were to all of a sudden migrate to the Amazon Rain Forest. Only Henry could have come up with this solution.

• The beavers would form alliances with a certain kind of tree, ensuring it's survival.
• The beaver would then proceed to cut down all the neighboring trees to it's own tree to clear the canopy and allow it's tree unadulterated access to the soil's nutrients and the sun's light.
• In return the tree will provide shelter and safety for it's beaver. I'm assuming it would kinda dig a hole into the side and live in it like a squirrel.
• Somehow the tree will provide sexual favors for the beaver, which after knowing Henry for 4 or 5 years I would assume involves the knots in the bark of the tree and holes.

If this were to actually happen the Amazon Rain Forest would be pretty screwed. The protection from the trees would make it near impossible for a predator to touch the beaver (maybe they'll evolve to look something like the ents from LOTR...actually no in that case they wouldn't need the beavers anymore...) so the beaver would become an unstoppable clear cutting forestry machine.

If we could get those two groups to cooperate I was thinking maybe we could sell the idea to McDonalds or something so they could do their rain forest raping a lot more efficiently, while Henry and I could be swimming in an Olympic sized pool of cash and burritos. Then again, it could mess up the entire planet's ecosystems since the rain forest is gone...

Nah, burritos are way cooler.

Dis-Alarming Clock

This item is supposed to be used like an alarm clock. Just like any alarm clock, you use this to wake yourself up in the morning at the necessary time, being able to control when the alarm goes off down to the minute. What makes this different from other alarm clocks is that once the alarm rings, you have 10 seconds to wake up and cut the correct wire to stop the alarm. If the right wire is cut, the alarm will turn off, and be reset for the next day (the wires reconnect after being cut through the power of magic fairy powder). If the wrong wire is cut or the alarm is left alone the alarm clock will explode, destroying everything in a 1km radius. See, the ingenious idea behind this clock is that the person must wake up and be alert enough to cut the right wires, or else you'll die. The wires are automatically randomized every day so that you'll be alert and sharp every day. And just to make sure that you're alert, there'll be times where the alarm is false, and cutting any wires would mean death, adding to the alertness you'll need when disarming the clock. It also runs on solar power, so it doesn't use any electricity!

The best part is that it doubles as a sandwich maker.

NOTE (from Alex): It may be advisable to tell your neighbors when you're going to be out overnight so that they can deal with the clock in your absence. You can ignore this completely if you're like me and you hate your neighbors though.

A Fistful of Flavor

On the subway ride home from Eaton's centre Henry came up with this one. I'll list the main points:

• You will have a glove that looks like a burger. Or maybe a real burger that you shove your hand into. Both work.
• Under the glove is a plate that circles around your wrist to give the appearance that the burger is sitting on the plate. It is advised to cut a hole into the plate before putting it on because otherwise this would be very painful.
• If you hold your forearm out almost 90 degrees up while the rest of your arm is more or less parallel to the ground, you should be able to make it look like you're holding a plate with a burger on it.
• Ask your friend if they want the burger. In their moment of vulnerability punch them in the face with the burger glove.

While i'm not sure why you'd want to punch your friend in the face, I think this is a pretty good setup. If you do have an affinity for your friends and don't want to hurt them you can try someone you don't like. Maybe your mentally challenged math teacher. Or maybe Bruce Willis. Actually no, don't do that last one, he'll probably kick your ass.